High School Yearbook

I honestly don’t know anything anymore, I’m not sure why I am here, what my purpose is, or why I do any of the things I do, but I do them. My suicidal tendencies continue to stay in my mind, and in the last 24 hours they have grown considerably. Now that I think about it, the last time I left the house to do anything social was months ago, sometime around February. That part I don’t fully understand more than most things. I consider myself, and I’ve been told by other they consider me, to be a kind person, quite fun and a good laugh. I’ve been going through my high school leavers book today and found some quotes –
“the most awesome guy ever”,
“totally awesome times bruv”,
“you give the best hugs and I will miss you”,
“you’re the kindest and most friendliest person I know”,
“have a long and happy life because you deserve it”,
“without you science would have been shit”, and
“you continue to smile all the time which is so uplifting”. That last one really makes me think to how I used to be, could I have really been that happy? There is one particular message which blew me away, which is quite long so I’ll just type up a few lines – “you are literally one of the most lovely guys I have ever met. You are so genuine and kind hearted … I’m sure you’ll do extremely well, thank you for being such a great friend, it means a lot, lots of love ____ xxxxx”. I remember reading all of that for the first time actually, and I wept for a while. That was quite a milestone for me, since the last time I can remember crying apart from that was at the end to the film, The Guardian. Man, that was a powerful film. I might try watching that, to see if it can bring me to feeling a strong emotion again. In fact, I think I’ll have a sad-fest movie marathon. But back to my original point. I’m just not sure why I’m treated the way I am. Well I say that, but I’m not actually treated badly, just sort of forgotten. Maybe I’m just a forgettable person. I mean, surely by now I would have been contacted by somebody to meet up or just to chat even if all of the quotes above are true. Also, I don’t consider myself to be an ugly person at all, but I’m no George Clooney either, but still good looking enough that I would have had a girlfriend in the last few years, y’know? I know theres nobody that can answer my questions or solve my problems, only I can do that, and I’ve been trying to do that for so long. I’m starting to appeal more to the idea of suicide again. What’s the worst that could happen? If I live to be say, 70 or 80, when I’m on my deathbed would I really think back to now and just think that I’m glad that I didn’t kill myself? Or that I wish I had? Just thinking that now, I’m starting get a burning sensation in my heart. Anger, I know I will never know.

I have 2 aims with my life, I can only meet one. The first is to have a loving wife, 2 kids, nice house, good job, the usual shit. I would love to be a writer to be honest. Over the last few weeks I’ve tried thinking of an idea for a book, never hits me though. I come close to an idea then it goes. Doesn’t matter I guess. But yes, the other aim is just to end life as soon as possible. I’m taking a gamble either way. Knowing me, I will probably just forget about this and live a shallow and numb life, but I would like to know what your opinions are on this. Please be honest, don’t just say “don’t kill yourself” if your aim is just to get me to stay alive rather than happy. Thank you for your time.