Thankful the Numbness is here

That feeling of nothing where I move from place to place not smiling or laughing, not caring or caring.

Some would call this being present. Present and detached. All the demands made on me are met with silence. Even my own needs are met with silence.

Though I feel like crying I’m just to lacking in anything to do so. If tears fall let them for they will not affect me.

I’ve always been able to relate to some other in some small way, but very very few the other way around. And it’s ok now because it no longer affects me.

Like a favourite movie, I watch it a thousand times over and it does not make me laugh, cry, smile, or frown. I am not angered and I am not reactive. I’m just sitting here looking at the world with blank eyes.

I know my own truths, I know the lies, and the optims’ (optimistics) of my situation. I’ve finally realized there is no longer a use for fighting for change in any way I am able.

So I won’t. I’ll go through the motions because this feeling helps me deal better then constantly rattling the rusted cage that once caused me to sing.

This bird now hides in its wing. Still eating and drinking, bathing and getting sunlight. Maybe some space to stretch its wings, and a rarer bit to chatter among others of different coloured feathers.

Hope sits on the ground collecting its dust as the hoper lives aimlessly.

I’ll do my chores and pay heed to the constant beckon of my name for trivial things, and I’ll pay heed to the beckon of my own needs. I’ll play my video games, and sculpt my models, I’ll make my music, and maybe explore a virtual Second realm. But It will no longer affect me.

If it does shame on me I’ll hide farther. If I anger shame on me and I best not blame the other. If I cry no pity come for me, because I reacted and I should not.

Numbness is my saving grace, and though it pains my body, it keep my mind from that after place. The place in a field of flowers a home in the country, the company of another. An unreachable unattainable thought that will haunt me.