The sunset limited

If you don’t know, The Sunset Limited is a movie, about a suicidal man with two very famous actors in it. Its defiantly worth a watch.

Anyways, I feel like Tommy Lee Jones in that movie. Nobody gets me, except for the people on this site! I’m living in a constant state of agony as I have never felt in my life. As some of you know I tried to hang myself yesterday. I landed on with my feet on the floor the first time I tried due to not calculating the rope position properly after the noose was tightened it left too much space. So I then recalculated it properly and although I did, (and still completely 100% DO) want to die. There is no doubt about that in my mind whatsoever however when it came time to do it the second time knowing that this time was probably going to work, fear set in. Knowing that it might be very painful and all the fear that I might not do it right and end up suffering for 20 mins. All the standard what ifs, I am not afraid of pain but I am afraid of toarcher. I know there is not a whole lot of  accurate statistics for how long it will take to reach unconsciousness because people are often alone when this takes place and I know it depends on the rope structure and how long of a drop. My only available  option is a short drop like where i tie the noose up to basement ceiling and push the chair out from under me.  Today I had the house alone to my self again and just did not feel like doing it. Didn’t feel like putting in the work to move the furniture and get the rope set up. Also I still haven’t quite conquered my fear yet of this method. BUT   this method seems like my only option. It is the only almost certain way that I have the means, materials, and opportunity to do. So I guess I’m seeking advice. My destiny is to die. It always has been. I don’t want to have a family life or future. Although I love my family to death I refuse to live in this hell just to please them. I guess that makes me selfish by mans law, well its no secret I am a selfish person, mainly because I want to die. But hell everyones gonna die! I mean it seems we have no true freedoms under mans law to live as we chose to live unless its confined in what the government and law enforcement deems as ‘good’. When we have no true freedom to live why can’t we ATLEAST have the the freedom to choose when to die. I am just very miserable right now and I honesty don’t know if I have it in me to take that leap and go through with the hanging. I feel like I’m trapped in a sort of hell like no other. I just want OUT! I know I can’t just wish it away its gonna take courage to do this, its gonna take strength. Which is something I’m sorely lacking on these days (obviously) because I can’t even muster the strength to live. Theres no place in the world for lost souls like me. This is the only place I feel safe to revile my true self, for fear of having my freedoms taken away and being locked away again in a mental institution. I really just need reassurance, someone to encourage me, someone to understand.