Since i was a kid, i was taught to always treat everyone nice, be helpful, and loving. That true joy comes from making others happy, that if you are good and nice, good things will reflect back on you, that the harder things are the better chance you got to prove how strong you are in fighting against the evilness of the world, i was trying to be the super hero which will spread love and care.
Myself always came second, didnt matter, as long as i can make those who i can happy, I can stand against those who hurt me.. The pain began ever since my conscious started to distinguish things, ever since i start making sense of my words.. and it never stopped…
In my own selfish world, i believed that my reward is somewhere in the future, that i will get my fairy-tale and i will be happy. however ever since the pain started, it kept on multiplying and growing. Disappointments, betrayals, abandonment, ..etc were just the beginning of a dark world..
My mask has concealed my pain, hoping someone will come in and just be there forever, so i can finally have what i have been giving all those years.. but when u cry, you always cry alone.. i have been crying the past years constantly,  isolated my sorrow in my own dark room. Fearing that i would show weakness to the world, which has always been laughing at my tears..
The past months, I kept thinking of what a waste i am to the world, I will never be loved, i will never be happy.. I’m cursed with this corrupted system… though previously i spoke to those whom i thought were friends about my death-wish, now i keep it for myself.. no one really believes how serious it is for me.. how I just long to stop feeling..
Perhaps i will pause the process a bit longer, but i have been waiting for so long for it to occur naturally..  I would trade my remaining years for those whom i care for, give them more years to be happy.. while I finally rest in peace..
With those tears, I…still long for love…but I no longer can do this..
4 comments
I understand what your saying, sometimes you get tired of waiting.
The thing is you followed what you were taught and not what was always instinctive within you. Being helpful is great, but if you give yourself away in the process, then you’re not good to yourself or anyone. If you’re a tree, you need to prune, water, fertilize and give yourself lots of loving sunshine first, without exception.
So it’s a matter of taking your power back and relearning the truth for you. Whoever told you this that or the other…throw it out the window and create your own beliefs which are in alignment with good feeling emotion. Hope this helps. You sound so nice, and kind…you deserve this. Good luck!
+1 to the above post
you were taught to believe good actions will be rewarded with happiness
(and I forgot what I was going to say)