It’s been 37 years next week. Â 37 years old, and never had anyone say they loved me. Â My wife was the only relationship I had, and I got into it because I was fedup of not being in a relationship and she seemed to like somethings about me.
14 years later, I realise what I have is not love. Â I want a separation and I have told her, yet my friends who I have always been there for are telling me I should “stick it out”, or that I am being obstinate. Â Today I wanted to talk to someone, anyone, tell them how I feel, yet not one person in my vast friends circle has the time for me.
I have tried suicide three times so far. Â The first two times was ODing on my epilepsy medicine. Â The first time, I didn’t take enough. Â The second time I chickened out just before I passed out and managed to throw up most of the pills. Â Each time I have tried to tell myself that things would get better. Â But here I am again. Â I am fedup of feeling this way.
edit : Apparently the TOS says you can’t ask someone for assistance in finding a method. Â Oh well.. GIYF.
4 comments
I understand where ur coming from with the feeling of loneliness… But things will get better. Right? They have to sumhow…
Thats the thing. I always hope that it will change, but it never does. I come away thinking I will be positive (and I can really be positive in public), but then again, somewhere down the line I will be at this point again.
The only thing thats kept me going so far now is my 9 year old. I’m tired. I don’t know how I can be a good father when I feel like this.
The funny thing is. I am there for my friends, 24/7/365. Whenever they need me. I’m the guy who is upbeat and cheerful in public. Today, I let the mask slip just a little and showed a very close friend how I really felt. They said they had to do something and didnt come back.
I’ve tried to talk to people around me, but everyone seems to expect / want the happy and upbeat me. It’s like they don’t really want to be around the real me.
Oh and hey, I just wanted to say thank you.
Thank you for taking the time to at least listen to what I had to say.
Other people’s happiness is not dependent on you behaviour. I’d be who you are. I’d refrain from judging your parenting skills..if your heart is in the right place, that carries more weight than you may think. Simply being there, being a presence is huge and we all have to fake it. We know how we truly feel inside but faking it is okay.
I have a good idea about the landscape of my life and sometimes things work out for people through the death experience but most do not truly understand what is going on or happening in that experience. Because we can kill our bodies, but we are eternal and often we need to be relieved and released from this life. That’s a positive.
Nothing is more important than, that you feel good within yourself and no one is in your shoes but you , so do what feels best for you. Lots of relationships do change, or end…that’s life. Good luck!