I am dying inside in a sort or agony/hell/torture that is literally unimaginable! I have the perfect opportunity right now to end it! I won’t have this opportunity again for several days! I could be setting up the equipment right now as we speak and be gone within a hour. BUT NOOOO, I don’t have the fucking balls enough to go thru with it! I’m too afraid of the pain which I know will be over within 5-20 mins. The pain I have been feeling for the last 12 years by far out weighs the pain of hanging myself. I KNOW THIS! BUT I STILL don’t have the fucking gall, I keep telling myself I will do it, but I keep procrastinating the inevitable, WHY? I really don’t fucking know! What a coward I am, I fail at everything in my life and even in my own death I am a fucking coward. I’m the most pathetic excuse for a human being! I look in the mirror with pure disgust. I don’t even know how bad the hanging would actually hurt, if at all. Wow man I just can’t fucking believe my pathetic ass sometimes! Little teenagers and tweens do this shit in there closet all the time! A 12 year old cripple boy killed himself by putting a bag over his head. I am a 23 year old woman and I don’t have the balls of that of a disabled 12 year old (r.i.p.). I deserve to die a painful death and burn in hell, but I guess I have to live in this hell until I die just to go to hell again…
SMFH such a damn pity, I am!
3 comments
dont kill yourself you are awesome
You realize the irony of what you said right? You said it yourself, you’ve put up with more pain and dug deep to find more courage just to get through the last few years of your life. It takes more to deal with this crap than to just be strong for a few minutes while you perform whatever method of suicide. So that kinda tears apart your entire logic, you are strong, you manage to keep on going. I’d assume you don’t kill yourself because deep down you want to make something out of this life and you want something good to happen and the only reason you want it to end is because you’re tired of the pain. I’m in my 20s too and I know it sucks to realize that you get out of being a teenager and for some of us the depression and the not fitting in doesn’t stop like it does for other people. You’re obviously stronger than you think, just give yourself some credit and keep on trying. I don’t really think suicide is that brave. I could be strong long enough to jump off a bridge or shoot myself, that doesn’t take very long. It takes more strength to open my eyes to this stupid life every day and keep trying to make something of it.
I know the feeling.
That said, there are more comfortable methods of suicide than hanging.
I had a friend — whom I loved — hang herself a little less than 3 weeks ago. I shudder to imagine what she must have felt. I wish that hadn’t been her last experience.
I believe humans have the right to a humane, comfortable death — at least as good a death as we allow a DOG to have.