An Introduction – With lot’s of inner conflict..

I should start off by saying I may not be someone anyone should look to for guidance or good advice. I am a survivor of a serious suicide attempt and many days are still a struggle for me.

I haven’t read through the site enough to determine if it’s a place where most of the posters are dealing with suicidal thoughts and mental health issues or if there is a large percentage of people who are in a good place mentally and are offering up advice. It seems to be a combination of both, with the earlier making up for most of the content.

Nonetheless, I find myself seeking a place to voice my thoughts anonymously and to openly welcome others perspectives in regards to my life circumstances.

If I’m able to help others while doing so, may it be through my personal experiences or my account of personal struggles, that is good. I will offer advice or answer any questions when I see appropriate, but please do not let my individual outlook lead you astray. I often worry my debby-downer ways will be of negative influence. I seek a place to vent my thoughts on very serious prior and current impulses surrounding suicide and it is not to encourage or give ideas to people who I’m sure are already in volatile and vulnerable situations. I will do my best to remember this throughout the way.

So, a little about me.
I’m still in a place of new recovery. The memories of a suicide attempt a little less then two years ago are still fresh. I’m scared, because well, I’m still struggling. It’s like I’m so damn lost and hopeless it’s not even funny. I feel like every day I’m alive, is a miracle. Because it is. I’m the only one who knows how true this is. In my mind, every day seems so pointless. I’m not able to dream of a future, because I legitimately don’t feel I’ll be here to have one. Do I legitimately want to die, no qualms about it? No. Do I hope and wish that something – anything, would just come through and cleanse these thoughts, give me some kind of a wake up call, putting these thoughts behind me as silly nonsense? Sure. I wish for hope.

But I struggle with that too. I struggle with THIS. Whatever this “LIFE” is. I struggle with questions of what’s AFTER this “life”. When you’ve come so close to death and feel so sure that it’s what the ultimate result will be, sooner then naturally planned, you think about those types of things. What is this life? What are we? Why do we have these emotions and thoughts that differ so vastly from the rest of the living species on earth? Did a higher being truly create us? If so, why does he let us struggle? If “he” truly is the one they depict in the bible, a kind, loving, God – Why? And he doesn’t forgive us for certain sins? He would allow us to spend ETERNITY (FOREVER) in the fiery wrath that is hell? Pain in suffering beyond anything imaginable by the human mind for eternity? They say those who forsake him suffer at the hand of his power and anger? What if I feel forsaken? If all of that is true – then what is this? -Some kind of a sick game, am I a puppet on the end of a string, are we all just little game pieces, Gods G.I. Joes? Seems quite sick to me.

But there are times where I feel like I might be making a mistake. Like life might be a blessing. That this is the one and only chance we get. The possibility is SO true that we may never get to see our loved ones again, that this life is it. That the delusions of grandeur and thoughts that we will be reunited with our loved ones in heaven, are all… simply misconceptions. I look at the world, the earth itself, the details, the way the sun perfectly keeps us warm, how every little thing on earth is playing a part to allow life, such a fragile thing… billions of factors and conditions making it… just perfect.

I look at emotions and wonder how and why we’ve adapted them. “Love” is one that is most mysterious to me. If it’s all scientific, if we truly evolved from a “big bang” ~ a perfect combination of matter that created earth and life, why do we emotionally love, and as equally intriguing why do we experience hurt and sadness? It could be said that it is a necessary emotion related to human reproduction and protection. But we don’t just love each other as humans. If you’ve ever had a dog, you loved that dog, right? I have a cat and I look at her all the time, she comes up to me striving for attention, even when she’s well fed, if I leave her for prolonged periods of times she becomes stressed and upon my return she runs to me with excitement. Was that part of God’s plan? Put these fluffy little animals with souls in our life? I just don’t get it, it’s all so bizarre. Don’t even get me started on the universe, the “infinite” universe, and if it’s not infinite then what is at the end of it? And what’s beyond the end? In my mind, it simply cannot just stop, like a wall, just because it forbids you from walking through it, logic and fact ensures there’s space behind it.

Anyhow, a little off track there. I’ve grown tired from all these questions. I’ll continue with another blog later.