I’ll start from the beginning. I had a close, dear friend basically called him my brother. Xain, he was always there for me through thick and thin and would fight tooth and nail to keep me happy. He fell in love with me(this isn’t the root of the story) and I told him how i felt but kept him as a friend none the less and let him flirt how he wants. He was wiccan and openly gay, as a christian who was raised to love all I judged him not. He was adopted from Ireland when his druggie of a mother had him hooked on every drug she could find while pregnant with him was shot by his dad who was an even bigger druggie. But before all that Xain was put out as a prostitute earning drug money for his mom and a better place to sleep and eat. He was also in the IRA and had his first love there. I guess this is the beginning of it all…his friend was out on a gun run through british land and was caught, he was taken to a town, called forth a group in the center. Xain rushed to see what was going on but what he saw was his first love on his knees with a gun on his head. The sound to break the crowd was a gun shot, ringing throughout the town…Xain witnessed at the age of twelve his first love being executed. This was the second down fall. As he got older his dad busted in the house and shot his mom then pointed the gun at Xain and shot, the bullet barely missed his spine causing him to suffer from epilepsy along with many other illnesses due from the drugs his mother used while pregnant. He was sent off to america with another girl from Ireland and they became family with a uptight christian family. Downfall three now begins. Xain was abused mentally, physically and emotionally to the point of cutting, burning and any other form of mutilation he could find. He has been yelled at, thrown down stairs, tossed out of the house, kicked out of school, shunned by basically everyone all because he was gay. All he wanted to to be loved even the slightest. This is around the time i met him at the age of 18. We instantly clicked as friends, had so much in common, basically like my brother and Lyxi my sister. Xain began to tell me about his home and school situation. He apologized countless times for his number changing cause he was getting death threats including being stoned to death. Xain tried his best to smile around me but i knew he was breaking and when he broke it was heavy and hit hard. Xain would cry and cry begging me to let him cut let him get rid of the pain but i refused to let him. I kept him safe, i took him in as family when no one else bothered to even have a first glance at him. He struggled through many abusive relationships, no one wanted to show him love like he wanted more than anything. He started getting worse early this year, more breakdowns, hospital visits, the cutting started, i thought he was at the end of his road. Then this guy came along, carefree stoner type. He loved Xain and Xain loved him. I met him on skpye and was honestly the coolest guy I’ve seen him with. I stayed in touch with him and Lyxi keeping tabs on how he was. Around april I was trying to get my life straight and i would talk to them every now and then, apparently not enough…so they kept trying to call me and i was too busy messing my life up. I came home april 18 early in the morning kinda hung over, noticed i had multiple missed calls from Lyxi thought nothing of it really. I saw on facebook Xain and Jason were engaged and i thought everything was all good…damn was i wrong. Jasson messaged me around 10 or so after i accepted his friend request saying, “Hey guess what”. Being goofy i replied about weed being legalized in all states then went on congratulating him and told him i was gonna call Xain, the next response was nowhere near my expectations…”Xain is dead…”. My heart sank, stomach went sour, emotions rushed in my head…i was praying it was a sick joke. Jason told me the reason Lyxi kept calling me was to for me to talk to Xain cause i was his only savior. He went off alone without his medicine and enduced  a seizure which being alone lead him to die cause no one could help. I don’t know how long i cried, i don’t know how much alcohol i had to black it all out. It’s been almost three months since he passed away in April 18th, I’m still shaken by it all. I tell people about him all the time then when i said he passed away and they ask i just say he had a seizure in his sleep, which was not the case. Lyxi was broke down trying to contact me for a month straight but i couldn’t answer, i let her brother die cause i was too busy messing my life up. Xain was my brother, my buddy, my shoulder to always lean on and now he is gone, never to be brought back. I still have trouble with it and just think why couldn’t i of been successful in my attempts and he would still be here. People tell me to move on, hell i think my ex left me cause she didn’t see the point why i was still mourning. I’ve had family die and i would be ok after about a week or so, but never in my life had a friend die. I’ve experienced how Xain felt when he lost his first love to death cause i lost a close friend, a best friend, and a boy who i actually had feelings for. Now that he is gone my life is a jumble with a messed up sleep track. I just want someone if just one person to know suicide is never worth it, the impact and stress it puts on those who actually loved you is just so unbearable…if anything give life another chance. I failed to give Xain his but you shouldn’t give up yours. If anyone ever needs someone to talk to I’m always available. You can email my silly address sexypartytime21@yahoo.com or add me on skype: pandabeast4. I rather take in someone who is looking for a way out than have it happen ever again. Thank you for listening to my story.
Garrett