Once I had a dream that I had just made an attempt to hang myself and I was looking in the mirror and there was a blue and purple bruise around my neck. A little more than a week ago I made an attempt and I looked in the mirror after I cut the noose off and my face looked awful. My normal coloring didn’t return until a few days later — I had to cover up with makeup and even then it looked bad.
That last attempt was the closest I have ever been to dying. I passed out and my coming to was accidental, I believe. I had drifted off, just as I would if I were falling asleep and I was thinking about the most frivolous thing and something about it made me angry and that emotional arousal caused me to become conscious. At first I wasn’t aware that I had a noose around my neck I didn’t know how long I had been there I thought that I may have had dozed off after taking it off but I hadn’t.
I don’t think I have very much time left. A while back I set a date, which I hardly committed myself to, for my next birthday which is in November. I don’t think I have that long. Four years ago I made my first suicide attempt with a non-lethal overdose. Multiple non-lethal overdoses followed until the first attempt to result in hospitalization which was a year and a half ago. I gave therapy a shot and refrained from making serious plans to kill myself. Hanging became my preferred method in March. I tied a noose and every now and then would put the noose around my neck and lean forward. It’s been a slow process, but I don’t see my past attempts as failures. They were just tiny steps that will ultimately lead to my death. I have made many attempts, or performed behaviors that could have lead to death, and they have been increasing in severity and lethality. I can only think that this means that the next few times I tie a noose around my neck it will result in death.
2 comments
and why you dont succes in your attempt i had a person she did not fail in her first attempt she died
Don’t understand that up there ^ but I do know about each attempt becoming more serious and more likely to work. Cutting my wrist, then pills, then the hanging thing, then lots and lots of pills again and now if I try it will be prob a train or the trainbridge somehow. I know it will probably work. That is scary so I am procrastinating like everyone else here lol At least researching methods buys time for the part of us that doesn’t really want to die…