I lack strength

I’m just going to talk in a general rant manner, so sorry to anyone reading this if I switch back and forth randomly.
I want to kill myself, but I am too weak to do it. Too weak, too much of a coward. I want to die and become non existent. Die and finally be free from this shit fucking life, free from my depression, free from my pain. I can’t bring myself to do it though. I can’t even bring myself to really hurt myself. I don’t like being hurt and obviously I’m subconsciously terrified of death or I would have killed myself by now.
I first thought about trying to kill myself when I was around 5 or 6. I remember my mum and brother arguing, like usual, and just wanting it all to stop. I went into the kitchen and opened the knife drawer. I remember taking the biggest knife with both hands and holding it to my chest and thinking, “maybe if they found me dead they would stop arguing?” stupid I know, but to be fair, it would have worked.
I didn’t have the courage back then and even after 17ish years, I still haven’t managed to find it. Then I wanted to kill myself for others, now I want to do it for myself.
I’ve seen in other site people saying they wish the courage to kill themselves and others replying with shit like, “don’t do it, things will get better, your life is precious, you’re being selfish etc”
If you’re one of those people FUCK YOU! You’re being selfish. It is my fucking life, if I want to die, it should be my fucking right. Can you even imagine how fucking shit we must feel like for things to have gotten so bad that we want to die? Selfish of us? Selfish of everyone around us to expect us to keep living for the sake of their fucking peace of mind. Maybe if you’d focused more on me now I wouldn’t be in this situation. Sometimes I think if I could just have one person, one person who loves me without reserve, one person to be there for me, one person to be honest with me, one person I knew would never betray me, one person who put me above everyone else then maybe I could find the strength to go on living for just them.
Maybe this sounds petulant and it probably is. There are millions who would kill to live like I do. I don’t live somewhere where everyday I have to fight just to survive. I get a lot in life. I probably should be great full for what I have, but I’m not. It’s all fucking pointless.
It’s only recently I’ve realised that I have depression and after a bit of reading on the Internet I think it might be a symptom of bipolar. I plan on seeing a doctor when I get back to university and get them to reccomend me a therapist. In a lot of ways bipolar disorder would be the best situation for me. It would mean there’s a chance I could one day be happy with treatment. Not the temporary happiness I get from escaping my inner turmoil via drugs or reading, but real lasting happiness so I don’t feel like this anymore.
I can’t be fucked, this is a mess and I have no idea what I was even trying to accomplish by writing this other than to just tell someone, even if you don’t know who I am. Well better that you don’t know who I am, I don’t think I will ever be able to tell my friends about just ow fucked up and twisted I am. I wasn’t always like this, once I was normal, I wish I could return my mental state to then.
Either way, it felt good to let this out. For anyone else feeling like this, sorry if you read this expecting help, but I ain’t got no answers. I’ll post again later if I can be bothered.
Now just need to find the courage to go to a GP and tell them my problems.