Hi usually I visit here when I am preparing myself to get of this roller coaster joke called life.
I have had a few good rants and read others rants and sad stories.
I have succeeded in alienating my self from all my friends and most of my family . As was planned so I could just slip away.
I have problems with who I am. As I am gay oriented (maybe bi ) male brought up in a gay hateful environment I have grown up to be very homophobic myself. How this relates to me Is I hate myself for being gay. While I dont think I judge others for being same same I judge the hell out of myself. And I guess in practice others as well.
Events over the last 5 years or so have forced me to evaluate and try and accept the fact that I am somewhat gay, and it is not this that defines me.
I by no means have worked it out.
However.
Some thing extraordinary has happen to me recently.
I have stopped crying. When I wake up in the morning the darkness and morbid desire is not switched on like it always has been. I have smiled. I have spoken to random people. I can see pretty things. I dont feel (so) guilty. I wonder why I did feel guilty. I wonder why I have behaved like I have. And I how can write all this without a tear in wonderment that by now I would be a sobbing wreck on the floor sick to the guts paralyzed by my self misery .
I fail to describe the feeling. I either have never felt this or have forgotten.
I still take my medication. I am still very alone. I still have nothing to live for? and no purpose but I feel happy ? content? I dont know this feeling!
I wish everyone could feel this way. I dont know if it will last for me I really dont. I dont even know why or how. God?.
I just wanted to share it with you.
Love you all wdan_
2 comments
Being gay does not and should not define you. I grew up in a family of homophobes and in a community where homosexuality was pretty much ignored. I fought and refused to admit my feelings for a long time, tried to tell myself it was my stupid brain playing tricks and I could be fixed. That isn’t how it works though. It’s a part of you, you are not a part of it. I’ve not seen my friends or ‘family’ since I came out, that was hard but I decided that that was their loss not mine. Throw yourself into doing things for you rather than others and eventually they will either come round and realise their mistake or they will stay in purgatory from you, but come then you’ll have moved on.
I’m glad that you’ve started to feel happy and content, it means you are on the right track. Keep following that path
I am at a loss when it comes to homophobia. Why on earth should someone’s orientation be anyone else’s business? If anything, those that choose to continue their fears based on ill-informed and unfounded prejudices aren’t worth the time of day. I’m not going to elaborate here at the point, but some of the ideas that homophobes have of what gay people allegedly think and do just leaves me shaking my head at the sheer idiocy of these thoughts.
Thankfully, there are enough of us out there that have at least a vague idea that a gay person is a person first and gay second. That’s not to diminish one’s orientation; rather it’s to communicate that, at least from my perspective, it’s a person’s character and personality that define them rather than what they may or may not do from time to time behind closed doors.
It’s encouraging to read that your own personal storm clouds appear to be lifting, and some light is starting to filter through. Perhaps you can build upon this by continuing to offer encouragement and support to others that have faced the same adversities that you have. All the best.