I’ve hit it. I’m a 19 year old gay male and i’ve been crying my eyes out for so many nights now. I want to just end it all..I am so miserable and lonely. I’ve brought most of this on myself I guess…i think I have herpes and it fucking disgusts me. I hate these fucking sores on my lips…why did I have to do this to myself? I feel like such a disgusting whore. I miss my exboyfriend and I wish i could have done more for him..instead I fucked up. I fuck everything up. I don’t know why I was brought intothis world…both my parents were never capable of raising a child. My dad was in jail when i was born. I hate him and I truly blame him for why I’m this way. He’s nothing but a junkie heroin addict. That’s what I was raised around…fucking junkies. That is my childhood…being around drugs and witnessing the DEA kick down my front door to raid my house. I believe strongly that I was molested too because as I’ve grown up I noticed how I had strange sexual tendencies. I think it was my dad honestly..i think he did it too me in my sleep. I hate that i cannot remember details so most people won’t believe me. But why would I feel this way if It didn’t happen? It wasn’t until about 2 yrs ago that I started to think about this a lot. I feel like I have no future…nothing to accomplish. I flunked out of community college and I’m now on academic probation with a 1.5 gpa.. I feel so worthless and incompetent..i can’t even find a fucking job. I just don’t want to live :(…there’s no one there for me…all i have is myself. I think about hurting myself often. I’m too ***** to act on my thoughts but sometimes I just want to cut my wrists up again but it wouldn’t do any good. I’m at wits end…depression is running my life 🙁
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2 comments
It sounds like you’ve got a lot going on in your life and it’s getting overwhelming for you.
I can see where feeling that your father may have molested you could bring up feelings that somehow your sexual preference is a result of his abuse.
It doesn’t work that way though.
Someone at your age might take several years to figure out who you are and who you want to fall in love with.
People don’t become gay because of being abused as children but trauma that you suffered as a child can certainly fuel depression now.
Left unchecked this depression can lead to suicidal thoughts.
You may need therapy to get to the bottom of all these complex feelings.
But you can heal, you can be free of the pain, you can be whole.
Peace.
Hey there. I read what you had to say. You are in a lot of pain, but I also would say what comes across in your words is a very smart and reflective person. It is ok to say that things are bad, that is the motivation to reach out, and the motivation to grow and change. You were paranted badly. the awesome news is that you are no longer a helpless child.. you hold the key to your own future. You will need to reach out to real people around you to help you heal and to get the strength to keep fighting. You need to keep fighting. there are so many others out there who will suffer with what you have gone through. The courage to grow up anyway and love yourself will change everything. Love you just as you are, funny, silly, flawed, smart, strong, sensitive… all the colors in the crayon box make up the complex wonderful person that you are… move forward and recreate the life you want.. first let a few sweet people around you to just hold you for a while and let you heal up, then start moving forward in your life.. you need to win and not let those damaged people from your past defeat you.. you are amazing and special.