I posted a while back explaining a lot of what has been happening that has driven me back into a depression i had finally escaped last summer. I’ve been trying to figure out who i am to see if maybe i can convince myself that i actually deserve this life i’ve been given. But i honestly don’t know who i am, and i don’t think i ever did. I put a mask on when i was young so no one would see that i was slowly dying inside, and i lost whoever i was to this mask. I feel almost no emotions anymore, i force myself to eat one meal a day because i’m never hungry anymore, and i constantly see things and think about killing myself with it. I’ve stopped trying to be happy because i don’t know how to be happy, and i don’t think i can truly be happy anymore. Whatever person existed before everything happened has died, and i feel like i’m just the shell that was left over from him. I’ve been trying to keep my promise i made to someone who meant the world to me, but i don’t think i can keep that promise any longer. I can’t find a reason for me to be alive, and my existence is just a burden on everyone in my life. I don’t think i’m needed anymore, and i just want to do a favor for everyone that’s had to put up with me and die. I’ve already chosen the day, and how i’m going to do it. I’ve been working on a will, and letters to the people i care about. But it’s a sad thing when you realize that there aren’t many people you need to write letters to, because there aren’t that many people who will miss you when you’re gone. I’m not really writing this to try to get help, i’ve been to the psych ward and have been on anti depressants for the past year. I guess i’m just sharing my story because we’re always told that things will get better, that we just need to wait. Or that everything will be ok after losing someone you love, that life goes on even after you’ve lost everything. We’re told to keep on keeping on, but i can’t do it anymore. I’m tired of the try again and just wait for things to get better. Sometimes trying makes the pain worse, and waiting doesnt always make things better. I’m not saying that killing yourself is the way to go, it should be avoided at all costs. You should fight for your life with everything you’ve got, thats the only way to live your life. I’ve fought as hard as i can, for almost my entire life. I’m twenty four years old, and i’m already tired. I hope anyone reading this learns from my mistakes, the mask won’t protect you it’ll kill off who you are inside. Find something worth living for, because anyone can say they’d die for something; but it takes true courage to live for something. Good luck to all my brothers and sisters out there who are suffering as i am, and i hope you win your battles.
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Most of that is exactly how I have felt most of my life. I lost me somewhere and I can’t get me back. I have no purpose or reason, I call it auto-pilot.
It’s also weird that my post I deleted was asking if you ever feel like you’re in the way. And I said I felt that I was not needed and a burden….pretty much what you said.
I always feel like i’m in the way, to the point that i asked my parents if they wanted to put me up for adoption when i was six. The only one who may actually need me is my little brother, and he is the main reason why i haven’t gone through with many attempts in the past. Though i have gone through with it multiple times and somehow made it through those attempts. Other people say they need me, but the fact of the matter is that they seem happier with me not involved in their lives. I have been fighting my depression since i was five, and i think i can honestly say i have given it everything i have trying to fight it. But this emptiness inside is something that isn’t going away, and i don’t have the strength anymore to keep on fighting it. People don’t understand how hard fighting depression can be on your mind and your body, and i’ve got nothing left in my tank.
Gabe…I agree, people that have never felt this don’t understand at all. It’s sad to think that you have felt this way for so long. Have you ever felt happiness?
When I used to post (months ago) I said the same thing. You get lost in the mask and the mask takes you over. If you ask someone on the outside that knows me, or think they know me, they would describe me totally different from what and who I think I am. I don’t know the real me. I slap on a smile and say oh I’m fine. Or whatever someone wants to hear. I can’t do it anymore either. I’m drained. I have kids keeping me here, but I feel like I’m not doing a great job at that and they’d be better off without me.
That’s what happened to me. I always put on a fake mask, and try to act like I’m the happiest person in the world. I just put on a fake smile when I am actually dying. I am so tired to pretend, so I decided to take it off. It’s been so long that I finally decided to take it off, but I don’t know the person under it. Now it seems that no one cares about the girl under the mask. I don’t know who I am, and nobody does either. So I put on the mask on again. I want to die so badly, but I am scared to kill myself. Now I just wait for things to get better, but it seems it will never get better.
I was happy once, it was while i was dating my most recent ex. And it was the first and only time i felt like i actually found myself. She understood me like no one else ever has, and she told me who she thought i was and why. That was the only time my mask ever came off though idk if it came off completely, but she got to know someone that no one else ever knew. But shes gone now and the mask went back on because of the pain, to try to protect myself. I can’t even remember who i was during the time i had with her to try to be him again. I don’t know what happened that everything crashed around me when she left cuz i was heartbroken before and became extremely depressed, but i still felt something back then. Now it’s just this empty hole inside me.