there’s no reason

I don’t think I will amount to anything. I feel as though, there is no hope for me. With my condition, no one will stay around enough to love me. I drive everyone away. I can’t find people to love me and stay by my side to help me through this. I am at a loss…I feel like I amount to nothing. I am being selfish. I know there will be people who will need me if I stay alive, but…there’s reason to die. Everyone I loved, I drove away. I am harsh when I’m upset. I hate myself afterwards. I can’t decide if I deserve better or I don’t. I feel like no one cares if I want to make a difference in the world. I am destined to fade. I am destined to die. All I have is hope…but even that is fleeting. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I just want to stop the breathing, the thinking, and the sadness….there’s no reason. The ones who commit suicide aren’t cowards. I think they are very brave. They are committed. They are true and have found a way to escape and never look back. I find myself scared right when I’m there…even after attaining all materials to carry out a plan. I’m finding less reasons to live and more reasons to die.