The Everyday Fairytale

My life is giving me whip lash.

Every morning, I wake up to a living hell I call home. I hate home. Home isn’t home to me. Home means miserable and uncomfortable feelings. Home is locking myself in my room, crying. I race to get ready for school making the best effort to look at least decent. Khakis and a green shirt, everyday. Once I herd my brothers into the car, late again, no breakfast, and being called a ***** by even my 12 year old brother. The drive to school is always one of my most depressing moments of the day. The music is loud and we all know it is to drown out the truth that is held in the silence. The truth of how I actually feel, the truth that my sisterly smile is a lie, the truth that that tree I just passed is calling my name and with one swerve of the wheel I could answer it. Never with my brothers in the car. Arriving at school, my best friend always meets me in the parking lot and we talk about our night, dreams and day ahead. Fake smile, Fake stories, Fake successes. Fake to my best friend, but could I tell her that I just always wanna cry? When shes one of the closest people I got, I would do anything to keep from scaring her away.

High point of the day was finding out I received the lead role in the school play. I will be playing June Muldoon in the play Anatomy of Gray in November. The moment of shock and actual happy tears came to my mind. Happy tears? I thought they were only a myth or a lie portrayed on television. My boyfriend and best friend congratulated and so does the whole school. My happiness was, of course, only short lived. We all knew it was too good to be true. Cheer practice rolls around and I sit out, due to a stress fracture in the back, and watch practice. My first year basing because I was too fat to fly this year. My sideline cheer team chooses fliers and my coach selects me as base. I thought my sideline coach would understand how much I love flying and hate basing. All people are the same. Never get your hopes up. Everyone will let you down. I wanted to cry, again, but never in front of my team, or in front of people for that matter.

I finally get home to find my mother and father in the backyard.. yelling. After my previous post yesterday, my father sat me down and talked to me about my mother and I’s unhealthy relationship. Her hatred towards me makes me wanna move out of the house, at the least. Being a big daddy’s girl, my mother and brothers always claim that he takes my side. Someone has too, right? Isn’t it humanly wrong to completely isolate someone like that? Especially in her own family? I guess that’s something my juvenile self hadn’t learned yet. I ask my dad what’s wrong a few minutes ago. He proceeds to tell me that she is mad that he is never on her side. It is cause of me. She is mad at my lovely father for trying to comfort her own daughter. Can she not tell she is the bully? She is tearing this family apart? She is making me wanna actually take a knife to my heart just to end this misery that I am forced to endure. and now she is taking my own father down with me. The only person that has ever been there, or tried at least. She is cruel. She is the witch that little girls read about in fairy tales, they aren’t fictional. They are everyday, real life stories hidden behind the mystical dragons, beautiful princesses, and heroic princes. If it wasn’t for me, my parent’s relationship would be okay. They would have more money, an extra room, more opportunities for my brothers, something less to worry about, and more air to breathe.

I’m leaving tonight. I don’t know where, I don’t know when. I just know that I have to leave. I can’t stay here. I can’t drag other people down with me. No one deserves that. No one deserves to live like me. Survival of the fittest. and I lost.