Okay I have had depression and suicidal thoughts since I was in my mid-teenage yrs. I’ve always blocked it out of my mind and hid it and was in complete denial. I actually started admitting to it about a yr and a half ago, but I’ve started dealing with it in the last month especially in the last week. I was always told by churches that you’ve got power of these things that all you have to do is pray and God will take care of them. Greater is He that is in you than He that is in the world. I believe in God still and serve Him with everything within me but I’ve gotta get help or I will never see Him. But my question is why does it seem like its getting worse and harder to deal with. I want it gone. I tried Monday morning to commit suicide by using the helium hood method but it didn’t work like it was supposed to. I thought 2 deep breaths or less than 10 seconds, but it was way over that, that breathing became difficult. But by that time I started freaking out and thinking of eternity so I pulled it off. Just don’t understand why it seems more painful. I’m going to eventually (I think next week when I can get sum time off work) admit myself in the hospital. I’m so desperate for help! I’m so desperate for happiness! I want out of this… and not for 5 days and back to it. I’m so over it!!! I promise I can’t take it anymore and deep down I don’t want to die! I WANT TO BE HAPPY!!! I WANT TO BE A VALUEABLE PERSON TO SOCIETY!!!! BUT WHY HAS IT GOTTEN HARDER SINCE I’VE CAME OUT OF DENIAL???
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ItsJustMe79, hi. Things must have been pretty bad for you to get so close to committing the final act. My heart goes out to you when in the last bit of your post you cry out for happiness and wholeness and being a ‘valuable member of society’. It is probably only you who thinks you are not already valuable. Well that’s my experience anyway. We are all valuable, infinitely so, regardless of our position in ‘society’. Those are artificial man made constructs, they don’t ultimately have any value or truth.
I beg you ItsJustMe, don’t go to your death while still suffering from distorted depressive thinking. There is enough of you left to shout out for help, that still seeks happiness. You aren’t ready to give up. Thoughts of eternity also held you back in your attempt. You are not ready for this. There’s still hope, still another chance to try again for the completion of your dreams.
I’m glad you didn’t go through with it, glad you’ve got a second chance. Please continue to vent here whenever you need to…Zx
Itsjustme79 , your story is so sad, I just can imagine the pain and desperation you’re going thru. If you believe in God maybe you could find some help and support in a religious group or community. From I know to survive to a suicide attempt is very hard, it will take you a lot of time, but they say that time heals everything. Maybe you can do some volunteer work, maybe working with young people. You can always try to go somewhere else, there are many job opportunities as English teacher around the world and again if you believe in god maybe you could work in a mission or so. It won’t be easy but I hope you will make it. If you feel like talking maybe we can help each other
Thank you to both of you. I work as a c.n.a. at a nursing home so I feel as if I give of myself in that aspect and I volunteer for the big bro big sister program and have had 2 little sisters that I see on a weekly basis. I also give of myself at my church in the outreach area. I just got off the fone with a counselor from a hospital about an hour away and plan to admit myself this next week as long as I can get my work schedule rearranged to where I don’t loose very many hours. But there’s also part of me that says if I’m not here I don’t have to deal with all (don’t wanna go into great detail on what “all” is expect I will say severe lonliness and financial issues) this anymore!
It’s harder because you’re actually dealing with it, for better or worse. Like you said you obviously have no desire to die, so I’d bump up that hospital visit to ASAP. Your life is more important than any job. Personally, even though I’m 23 and WAAAAY behind on college, I’m going to take this next semester off and get right, meaning lose weight… The root of all my evil. In the long run my semester off won’t mean anything, especially compared to the good and healing I will have done. Long story short… Don’t put off helping yourself. I’ve done it for too long, and it only brings more suffering… We all know that.
P.S. – I’ve actually already started and I’m 10 lbs. down. 🙂
I like your attitude. Taking huge steps forward.
Johnny good for you! Awesome! I also need to loose weight… give me sum clues on what ur doing. Yea when I called the hospital they was trying to get me to come in now as we’ll but you see my issue is I have a trip coming up that I really don’t have the $ for already but is so necessary for me to go that I’ve got to go. B.c. I plan to move to this state next year hopefully so the trip is just a stepping stone for my moving. So I need to make sure I miss little to no hours at work so that’s why I’m looking at trading shifts.
ItsJustMe – CONGRATS on finding hope within your heart. May God bless you and give you strength and peace. I hope you get the help you need and finally get back to loving life.
Way to go!!
Just stay focused on the end goal… Happiness. 🙂 Now, as for losin some weight…
I’m 285 lbs, so I have A LOT to lose, but the #1 biggest thing for me is to eat only when you are literally hungry. Now I don’t mean wait till you’re having hunger pains, but when you’re thinking of eating something, assess if you’re truly hungry or not… Mind blowing how when you think about that EVERY time before you eat, how often you put the food down. Plus just changing your diet, as opposed to going on a diet is huge. Fruits and vegetable juices, eggs, tomatoes, tuna, chicken, yogurt instead of pizza, fries, burgers, fast food, etc… It’s so surprising how delighted you become to eat such healthy, great tasting foods. Finally… WORKOUT. I’ve been doing a lot of weight training to build some strength back before moving onto the dreaded cardio phase. 🙁 LOL.
Idontmatter… I’m gonna call you IDM b.c. I really don’t like ur name b.c. you matter SO MUCH espec to me. Thank you! I can’t wait to become healthy.
Johnny, I also weigh quiet a bit (I’m over 100 lbs overweight) and feel like anytime I eat a lot of sugar it makes my depression worse which sounds worse but so true. I’m so proud of you! Keep up the good work. I was on a diet a few yrs ago and lost 27 lbs in 3 wks. The way I did it was not allow myself to get hungry. I would eat every 2 hours… but it would be like a banana then 2 hrs later a yogurt ect. I also walked a lot during that time. I ate serving sizes and measured and weighed everything. I felt so healthy and happy when I was on it. I just don’t have the money right now to be on a diet. I’m lucky if I eat once a day… and I live alone so when I eat its like a frozen pizza, hot pockets, pizza rolls… stuff like that… b.c. I work overnites (which explains my late response) I will usually snack on chips or sumthing like that at work.
But anyways… both of y’all are more than welcome to email me sumtime and keep me posted… sberkley79@gmail.com