The trigger – my long-term partner ending things. Not a unique trigger and millions go through this each year. So I’m told, so I tell myself. They can get through it, why can’t I? Slowly but perceptibly I feel myself going down and further down. My thoughts are racing, are dead, I have no idea what I’m doing. I can’t eat and can sleep only with sleeping pills. I begin cutting myself and have NO IDEA where that came from. Cuts all over my arms, then my legs. Sleeves cover it all. Random thoughts of suicide pop into my mind until one day at work I know. If I go home I’ll do it. I’ll kill myself. That’s bad, right? I go to the doctor and end up in a mental hospital. A parallel universe for an overachieving, career woman that is me. Isn’t this for crazy people? I’m crazy? 2.5 months. Getting better, therapy, medication, people who care enough to help me, others going through similar situations and similarly unable to cope.
I return home. Things must be better, and they are for a bit. Learn new things, expand my comfort zone, develop myself and all of that. Yet slowly I see how ridiculous it all is, how ridiculous it has always been. And how very painful it is to see this lack of meaning. Â Dropping back into the hole again, but this time with all of that experience behind me. Done the hospital. Done the meds. Done the therapy, the groups, the sharing and talking and growing…and nothing.
Suicide now would be a quiet, deliberate act, with none of the drama which may have accompanied it before. Put things in order. Feel like I’m going through a grocery list as I wind everything down. I’m even beginning to lose the sadness that this is how things ended up, this is how things are. For this is simply how things are.
2 comments
I don’t know why exactly you’re feeling the way you do. Perhaps it’s chemical, perhaps it’s stress or frustration. I can only tell you that I admire you for being an over achieving career woman. That can give you a purpose and a role in life, knowing that you’re good at something and that you’re part of something. Appreciated.
Two things depress me. Not having a good job and being lonely. Perhaps it’s the second that is getting to you. Maybe you’re feeling lonely?
I feel the same. To the outside world I have everything, lovely family , nice house etc and I am a brilliant actress- well I must be because I have spent the past 20 years wishing I was dead and have managed to keep it to myself. Now the kids are 16 and 18 perhaps I can finally let go. The stupid medication i went on a year ago when i was seriously bad makes me feel so foggy I had to resign from a highly paid job, and now I can’t think straight enough to earn what I need to so we can stay in this house. I have tried to reduce it but end up needing to take it as the withdrawal symptoms are so bad people would notice something was wrong- and i must appear normal as it is expected of me. Does anyone else find the pretence of being normal just so tiring?