Hello.
There are a few background things you might want to know. Firstly, I’m a clinical psychopath. This doesn’t make me a killer or a psycho, although it is generally a daily struggle to keep from being either. To me, the world is black and white; there exists, for me at least, no shades of gray. My parents have known about my condition and have actually by and large done an excellent job of raising me. I come from a privileged family and have had everything I have needed provided for me, within reason. I’ve worked to secure that which would not be provided, namely the most extraneous of luxuries. If I use the word feel, its more of an intellectual thing than an emotional thing. It helps to have the same vocabulary as people who do actually feel, as it helps to fit in.
I’ve never cared for anyone in life. My parents provided what they need to, and I have used their provisions as best I could. I’m highly intelligent, highly confident and have a huge ego, but I have always tried to temper it as best I could. My grades in college are exemplary, and my social life is about as good as one can ask for. I have a healthy sex life with many partners, but never at the same time, I see no reason to hurt other peoples feelings. I wish I had them myself. It is the thing in life I covet the most, every second of every day as long as I can remember.
I’m often accused of being cold and unfeeling, almost robotic, and that’s just how I am, how I was born.
Now, the issue. For some reason unbeknownst to god or man, I have somehow managed to feel something for someone. Someone I actually care for, someone I would actually perform a selfless act for. And for me, that’s so massively monumental and unlike me. Unfortunately, she has a boyfriend even though she admits she likes me, and she knows I like her. That’s not the issue though. Because for the first time I think I’m actually in love. And it hurts, it hurts so badly.
I’m a complete stranger to emotion, I have absolutely no clue how to handle it. On the one hand, I have this terrible emptiness and yearning for emotion, and on the other having it scares the crap out of me. Â It is, quite literally, tearing me apart, and I’m willing to do anything to make it stop. But I’d giving everything to have it continue.
I’m just so terribly alone and scared and afraid and confused and I want it to stop. I no longer see the value in staying alive.
3 comments
Any one of us would be lying if we said that emotions didn’t scare us. The feeling of our very own mental stability being in the hands of someone else is daunting to even the most emotionally adept person.
Personally (people may very well disagree), I think the trick is not controlling an emotion, but coming to terms with what can, and in most cases will inevitably do to you.
Love is an amazing thing, and makes everything disappear when you’re with that person. It’s scary.. but it’s also amazing. Cherish it, instead of wanting to run from it – ’cause there are a million people that would kill feel love.
This will probably will just increase your ego some more and that’s a real shame, but given the description you gave about what your life, I would only be honest by saying; I wish I could be you. Fuck feelings. I’d give anything not to have them.
Good luck to you even if you do sound like a coincided person I wouldn’t want to know. No offense, I’d prefer to be a predator instead of a prey in this life, yet I can’t stand arrogant people like you my dear Brad Pitt???
Many people say they wouldn’t want emotion, but Its part of being alive. Without them you feel empty and dead. I’d know. I can understand me sounding conceited and arrogant but I just wanted to tell it how it is. Being predator rather than prey is fun, but its lonely. I’d rather be bored but feel a part of something rather than alone. And I’m no brad Pitt, I’m very much my own person.