how I survive?

I just got into high school and it has over 2,000 kids and all i feel is alone. I’m a middle child and my younger sister has autism and my brother is a huge sports star. my parents never have time for me and the only time we ever talk is when they are yelling about my grades even though they know I’m dyslexic and try as hard as i can. all through middle school I struggled with getting beat up and failing classes because i couldn’t keep up. Every day i struggle with suicide to this day i cut my self on a regular basis just to feel something. I have nobody to talk to and i keep myself from feeling most of the emotions that come to me because i know i would brake down if i did. all my life anyone that i have every been able to care about and truly talk to has walked out of my life.my girlfriend died in a car accident 13 months ago on our one year anniversary i was pulled out of lunch and the concealer told me and i couldn’t believe it i has a necklace for her that said i will be here past death it was something we read in a book together that always stuck with us and i put the necklace on her at her funeral  . and i cant be around people who talk about her without breaking down. to this day i still cant look at a girl without thinking about her. she is what i saw in my future and we talked all night and day and its just like a void without her. and now im lost without anyone!