I am among those who get nothing in legacy except problems. Problems in Legacy being inherited by couple of generations, requiring a whole carefully spent life to fix. For people like us life is like an unwanted curse given to you as a gift. It’s like a debt you never enjoyed.
Just after my birth, my uncle and aunt adapted me as they didn’t have any kids but girls.Before I could reach adulthood, couple of my biological as well cousin sisters were married. My biological and non-biological parents did what they were not capable of, i.e. arranging marriages for their daughters. Due to their way of taking the life and things simpler than they really are, and due to the fact that they consider girls weaker then they really are, they just accepted whatever ******* groom they got for their daughters. Daughters who were always taught to be obedient and hardworking, and never taught to be able to deal with challenges or take stand on anything. So before I could reach in a position that I can do something even for myself, I found my sisters in really bad living conditions.
The second legacy was that my parents were practically isolated by their relatives and somehow by the society  for being sociopath and having an abnormally below I.Q level and more importantly my uncle’s extremely low temperament. My non-biological parents cant do discussions, they can’t even do conversations, not even between two of them, not to mention with others. My uncle start conversation with the word “No”. Even if he meant to say the same thing you just said, his reply will start with “No”. He can merely use a computer, but even Bill Gates can’t convince him on a technological fact. My aunt, merely literate, spent her whole life in oppression, justifying her actions, always scared of having done something wrong.
I and my cousin sisters grew up in fear, fear of being testified for any action we were not aware is wrong, a laughter, for instance. This environment took away the conscience and confidence from us and developed a resident guilt. This guilty feeling resulted as a sociopath personality. I remember, my friends were used to make me aware of my lack of confidence and guilty feelings which made my problem more severe as I started avoiding people considering myself not acceptable.
Our economical situation was not better than our social one. So I had to get a job before I could enter twelve grade. The workplace was like a heaven for me for two reason, first it provided me an escape from the unhealthy environment of my home, secondly it was an opportunity for doing something for my sisters and my own dignity which was severely injured. Study and hard work let me climb the ladders at my workplace despite my lack of traditional qualifications which were the requirement of the positions I worked at. I later completed my qualification.
Now, the purpose of all the hard work I do is to get the next generation out of the mess not just economically but also intellectually. I don’t wanna marry, because I don’t want to add any further responsibility as I already have a handful of them. Also I fear that after having my own family i.e. wife and kids, I wont be enough motivated to take care of my parents (both biological and non biological) and sisters (both biological and non biological).
And that’s not all, it seems that in the journey of survival I have lost the sense of happiness. I have money but I can’t enjoy it. I don’t feel like my friends who enjoy an action movie while they know it’s completely illogical (or may be they don’t). I can’t enjoy the independence day of my country or the winning of my country’s sports team since I consider patriotism a stupidity. I can’t enjoy ordering a servant when I know how he/she feels. I feel hard to enjoy in a world where hundreds die daily by war or hunger. Where in a single site I see an aged laborer working in the killing hot summer of  Dubai and a Bugatti Veyron being driven by a teenager who haven’t earned a penny in his life. And what more ironic is that I can’t say this to people around me, it scares them, as it seems they can’t beer it. My mindset, which convinced me to devote my life and efforts for my family, will not be acceptable for them, so I don’t share it with them.
I am now considering investing rest of my time and efforts in volunteer work, hope it will reduce the pain.
2 comments
If your tired of living selflessly. Will doing volunteer work really help you.?
It seems though that you have chosen to live selflessly, and accepted it as your responsibility, maybe i’m missing something, does it have to be like that so you are tired of a decision that u have control over, i agree with Donnie, isn’t volunteer work more selflessness ?