There’s nothing wrong with my life, besides the fact that I’m a useless leech. I’m 28 and haven’t done a damn thing with my life. I’ve always been told that it’s because I’m lazy, and I’ve accepted it. I’ve been sad for no *good* reason for most of my life (plenty of shallow reasons–too stupid, too ugly, too awkward, etc, etc). Attempted suicide once, many years ago. Woke up in intensive care to suffer massive guilt from my mother. My dad wouldn’t speak to me for almost a year after that–just flat out ignored me, though we lived in the same house. (Because of course it was my fault for being such a *****. Sorry I’m not the son you always wanted!) Had to spend 3 days in the psych ward because of a government mandate on self-harm. Tell you what, that was the most depressing shit I’d ever seen. If you didn’t have any real problems before you went in, you will when you get out. I don’t ever, ever, EVER recommend anyone checking themselves into a mental health facility. That shit’ll fuck you up good. Anyway. The food was shit and there was nothing to do, and it was horribly cold and everything smelled like bleach and cigarettes. I lied and said all the right things because I couldn’t wait to get the hell out of there. I learned to fake being happy after that.
I started doing things appropriate for my age, only to realize everything was a huge pain in the ass. I don’t want to go out and socialize: that requires brushing my hair and putting on pants, not to mention talking to people face-to-face. I had acquaintances from school and work, but I always kept my distance and made excuses until people just didn’t try to invite me to anything, anymore. Eventually, I stopped going to work–because who cares? I still lived at home and didn’t have to worry about rent. (Go me.) And then I stopped going to school, because who cares? College is just an expensive investment made on the hopes of earning 20% more than a high school graduate, during your lifetime. Ain’t no guarantee of getting a better job than the one I just quit (which was shit, and paid shit).
Well.
In the past few years I’ve tried to get my shit together, and always give up or sabotage my own plans. I started school again, then dropped out. Then started again. (Oh, the loans I’ve accumulated…) And then one day, I finally got my head out of my ass and thought to myself, am I really ok with just being a lazy, good-for-nothing piece of shit for the rest of my life? At 25, I finally started thinking about what I wanted out of life.
And I couldn’t think of a single goddamned thing.
There’s nothing I want to be. There’s nothing I want to do.
Everything I do is just a desperate grab at distracting myself from the truth: I’m hollow. There’s nothing inside me. (And it’s not just because I’m every bit the **** I act.)
I’m one of those people who contributes absolutely nothing to the world but carbon emissions. I don’t volunteer–I don’t like people, in general. I’m not nice. (I don’t look at babies in public because I WILL NOT SMILE at them–why should I? some idiots decide to make a baby, and I have to cater to their stupid brat, who will cry if I just stare at it… goddamn it, I fucking hate babies. I’m a pretty terrible person.)
I don’t even recycle properly.
No one depends on me financially. No one actually needs me. I’m just wasting everyone’s time and resources by living. I could go and the only drawback would be that my parents would be sad, probably.
So, yeah. I’m kind of sad, I guess. I always have been. But the reason I feel compelled to die is simply because… there isn’t a good reason for me to keep living.
Anyway. I’ve been reading about that helium hood thing, which sounds pretty sweet. I’m broke right now, though. (If I had health insurance, would I even bother to seek help? The psychologist I met with back in the facility was a sanctimonious bastard. I don’t want people like that telling me lies to keep me alive so I could pay for their fucking vacation homes.) The most efficient method for me would probably be to jump off a tall building, at the risk of being caught before being able to do it…
Why am I writing all this shit to people with real problems?
Jesus someone just kill me already
7 comments
Hey I’m the same age as you, really get what you have been talking about for most of your article.
Sounds kinda like my life, but I’m 27 but at least I have a better supportive situation when it comes to my family. I know exactly what you mean. I feel it. It’s like I ask myself ” Why even go forward?”. Everything does seem meaningless and pointless. Like you, I’ve been in and out of universities, though I managed to stick to my current one and am struggling to finish my masters thesis. All the time I’m questioning why the hell am I doing this? It’s like I don’t really want to do this, to do anything really. Saness, emptyness, and frustration is pretty much 90% of what I feel. Even good situations, and they do exist in my life, are like a spark in the darkness- the good emotions fade away as quickly as they came.
I don’t think you don’t have a problem, if you’re posting on this site, I think you do. We all do. I think we’re all trapped in that abyss of negative emotions and it’s almost impossible to get out. Furthermore, it seems that 90% of other people don’t understand what it’s like. For example, They might respond by giving you a list of things you should try and do but they just don’t get it. It’s not about trying different activities, it’s about this emotional state inside of us. This non stop whirlwind of negativity that seeps into everything in our lives. I feel like there is no escape and it seems you do too.
Whatever you choose, I hope it brings you peace.
I can identify myself with most of it, although, i still believe there is something i have to do before dying, thats why i wont choose suicide has of yet.
I hope you find something that helps you mate, I feel ya. I’m gettin on in my 20’s each year seems to surprise me. Keeps ticking over even when I’m shut out from any life. mehh Point being hope you find something.
You sound alright.
I share your attitudes towards babies, but you really have to do something about the recycling situation. That shits a ticket straight to hell
There is no bad reason for feeling sad. Every body has there own issues and how bad your issues are depends on how you see it. If you constantly keep getting told some thing like you lazy, then sooner or latter your going to believe and thats how you will be.
It’s just that… having “depression” if you’re not a victim of war or abuse is such a fucking luxury. Realizing that this is most likely what I have just makes me hate myself that much more. Like, how much of a fucking pansy am I? What the fuck do I know about pain? I’m such an asshole. People like me deserve to burn. But first… where are my good buddies, Jack, Jim, and Jose…?
BUT yes, I will be more diligent in recycling from now on 🙂