Mummy’s girl.

Not feeling overly great today 🙁

Last night i broke down crying in front of my mum. A pile of crap just kept spilling out of my mouth about how i was afraid to leave the house and how afraid i was that she’d die (completely unfounded, it’s not like she’s terminally ill there’s no reason for that fear) and i just couldn’t stop crying. We were discussing the possibility of me moving in with a friend. Whilst i’d love to be out and be independent with a friend so i can actually have something resembling a normal life, i’m terrified to leave her. Almost like if i leave the house something bad will happen. My moods will get worse, or she’ll get sick, or she’ll be lonely and get depressed.

It wouldn’t be so bad if my dad was still here because they’d have each other but he died 10 years ago. I know for a fact (because she told me) that if it wasn’t for me she wouldn’t be here today. She’s had periods of depression as well and i just can’t do that to her. She’s my only anchor. I spend so much time terrified about what it’ll be like if she dies that i just can’t leave. I’m terrified of getting older because it means more people die. It’s a fact of life, people die, but whilst i’d happily accept my death with a smile on my face, the idea of her dying sends me into paralysis. I can’t leave her alone.

I know for a fact this unhealthy obsession with death is because of my dad, but knowing that doesn’t make it go away. I wonder about how my life would have turned out if he hadn’t died. Would i still be the popular happy sporty kid who loves art that i used to be? I was a dancer, i was on a football team, i spent most of my free time painting or singing in a church choir. I’d be two years away from being a fully qualified teacher right now, like i had wanted to be all my life. All things that i gave up because i lost heart. I spent 5 years after his death roaming the earth numb and quiet until i hit 15, then i spent the next 6 years in full self destruction mode. My brain just won’t switch off.

It’s just constant. Death death death more death. It won’t leave me alone. And if that’s not bad enough, three years ago when i was in proper breakdown mode and dropped out of school, a councellor told me i should go to a college and pick one subject. Just one subject that i love that would provide me with a reason to keep going. So i thought “hey, i was always creative as a kid, i’ll pick film.” I loved the work those two years. Until this summer. This summer realism hit me and told me i’m a fucking idiot because not a hope in hell will i ever get a job in film. That i wasted two years of my life chasing something that will never happen. I spend most days now, when i’m not thinking about death, crying because i’m going nowhere in life and the only thing that provides me with any kind of relief is something i’m wasting my time on because i’ll never make something of myself. I turned down a university position a month ago because i was so close to the edge that i just couldn’t physically get out of bed without being sick. The idea of moving to England, to another country, away from my mum physically made me sick. So i said no. And i went back to college. Still doing film. But now with absoloutely no motivation. I have small periods of relief when i’m in lectures because i do like the work, but when i leave it’s the same worries and the same problems again.

Anyway long story short, i’m a complete mummy’s girl and i’m living in constant fear of death from all angles. I need to make a move of some kind, i’ve got to do something to break out of this cycle because i can’t take it anymore. But short of suicide, i can’t see any other options available. I can’t stop crying right now. I thought getting this all down in writing would help but it hasn’t it’s just made me feel worse.