no way out

I’m exhausted. I’ve come to believe that there are people put on this earth that are meant to struggle throughout their lives. They are the ones that we look at in their 80’s and say…oh but she/he worked soo hard, did what they could, just couldn’t catch a break, but never complained, just went to work did what they had to do…. yeah well, I’m 42 years old, been divorced for 4 years now, I have 2 children remaining with me, my oldest is 19, has moved with his father and hates and refuses to speak to me bc of the divorce. I went back to school, received a high school diploma, went back again, became a medical assistant, have over $20,000 in loans I will never be able to pay back, I did get a full time job and now have health benefits which I haven’t had since the divorce, I also work 2 part time jobs as a home health aid. I have two Saturdays off per month…those are the days two of my children are w their father. I’m stuck. I’m in this viscious cycle of nowhere. My transmission died a monh after the warranty was up on my used ten year old car. I’m $50.00 short in making my rent. I’ve attempted to be grateful for the amazingfew friends I have, and my children…rest of the family…not so much. My mom calls when she wants to borrow money, my sister just never calls, my brother, smartest one…moved almost 5 hours away. Every day I wake to a panic attack, EVERY SINGLE DAY. I wake wondering if my pathetic self can muster the guts to finally drive off the road, aiming straight ahead for a pole, hang myself, swallow pills, plunge a knife into my chest. I’ve prayed to die, I’ve asked why I’m here? I just continue to work to be poor, struggle daily. Whoever said money can’t buy happiness…never had money…that’s the biggest bunch of bullshit ever uttered. I have no peace. Can’t afford to attempt to work things out w a therapist w my son…can’t afford it, can’t buy my children clothes, can’t get hair cuts, can’t pay my electric gas or any otherr bill on time…EVER. gas prices are insane, I currently am borrowing one of my best friends vehicles(a giant pick up truck) although am thankful for the offer…has cost me $70.00 in gas in 5 days…just getting to work and home. I’m soooooo tired of not getting anywhere financially, being a burden to my friends, hated by my son, tired of everything. Why the hell can’t I just NOT wake up one day???? Or be one of those that took her last dollar, bought a lottery ticket…and actually won??? Yeah, I’ve tried that too…thinking if I won…..just $500,000….I could start my life from scratch…pay off everything I owe to everyone, take my kids to disney for 5 days, start fresh. What the hell ever…like I said….there are people put on this earth that are meant to suffer…I’m one of the lucky winners.