I’ve completely ruined my life. Â But I don’t think I ever had one.
Things started spiriling out of control earlier this summer when I quit my job. I’ve been doing contract software development at home for years. It’s a life of sad isolation. I sit in my den and type away for days straight. The job was just going bad, I was losing interest and my boss new it. He pushed me and I snapped. It was sad, because when it started it seemed like there would be so much potential.
Anyway, something happened afterwards that made me realize I didn’t want to be a programmer anymore. I can’t explain it, but after this job I have no passion for this kind work anymore. This raised the question, what will I do? I’ve spent the last few months in a tailspin of depression trying to figure out what the point of my life is.
During my subsequent depression, and I’m ashamed to admit this even anonymously online, I developed a serious gambling problem, where I lost all my savings and racked up a significant amount of debt over the course of 4 months. I’m essentially at the point no where I don’t even have enough left to live. In a few weeks I’ll be totally tapped.
Things really sunk in about three days ago about how bad it really it became. I haven’t slept or eaten anything since. I forced myself to eat a small square of pizza today but I vomitted it up a few minutes later. I am in a constant state of panic and dread.
But suicidal thoughts aren’t entirely new for me. I’ve been contemplating it seriously  for 3 years now, while never having any real attempts, there are many times when I felt a profound desire to end my life. Usually when walking around alone at night in the city – something I do quite a lot. I think it’s rooted in the fact that I live and work in almost total isolation. My family barely knows me. I’ve never had a meaningful relationship with a woman. I’ve never really had true friends. The truth is that I was teased a lot as a kid for being awkward and this resulted in me having a paranoia of people, especially my peers.
2 comments
You didnt ruin your life. Life is not ruined by a dead end. The best thing you can do is think on the bright side. At least now you aren’t in something you don’t like:) before you do anything rash, think about all of the good things that have happened and what might happen in the future. It is really hard to be socially awkward, I agree, but I think that the only way to get over that is to do more things. I’m not saying go to a crazy party full of people you barely know, but maybe just so something small. And I think it’s a really good idea to not drive if your that distracted. Oh, and if you don’t like a job that keeps you isolated, try something more social or instead of committing to something, volunteer. That’s always a good way to meet people. I know it’s hard, but trust me giving in to depression is not a good option. I hope you start to see a change in you life:)
nice story i feel the same as you isolated just wanting that easy way out without the pain and second thoughts