Maybe I need to live in hell on earth before I can ascend into heaven? I feel as though my life on earth is just a plain hell. I walk, aimlessly, seeking some type of purpose. It never seems to be attainable.
I think out of my whole life, i was only happy for a year. After that, I never found that kind of joy again or magic so to speak. I know compared to others, I should be grateful for what I do have. I just cannot seem to be uplifted.
I look at myself and just feel disgust. Maybe my life is an evil joke and the universe is laughing at me? I try to life a decent, good life but for what or whom? In the end, it doesn’t seem to mean anything or get me anywhere.
There is a ‘friend’ that I also ‘mourn.’ A classic example of my stupidity in even dreaming this person was a friend or liked me. I’m sure he sits and gloats at how he has used me. I was there when he was going through a break up, when he was very ill and needed a doctor to properly treat him, when he was shaking and sweaty in the middle of the night and I comforted him. I always remembered his birthday and him on holidays without fail. As his business struggled, I offered ideas to generate more business and get him out of a financial hole. I never asked for anything in return, I just wanted to know the friendship mattered. I never felt like he cared or gave a rat’s ass about me. Sure, he has listened to my problems and offered some advice. However, he has never been my rock or offered support like I gave to him. He told me about gifts he bought me for my birthday and holidays. He ‘never got’ around to mailing them off. Wow, for someone who deemed me a close, great friend, I see I really am a priority. This person claims to be a giver too. I don’t see it at all nor do I feel it. I know if I dropped dead or disappeared, he wouldn’t care. I’m sure there is someone else lined up to replace me. Just an expendable little piece of shit who was never a dear friend, just someone there. I am always “that’ girl.
I’m at my wits end. I pray that I will die in my sleep. I’d trade places with someone terminally ill so that person could live on. Something like that should happen to someone like me who doesn’t want to be here anymore. I lost my will to live years ago. I’m just breathing and surviving now. I am convinced if I die, I KNOW I will be much happier than I am here. I don’t understand why God continues to allow me to live this tormented live of misery. When is He going to finally let me have come damned peace?
2 comments
I have an idea of how you may be feeling. I dated a man who was a complete pathological narcissist. They very much fit the man you describe. Self proclaimed compassionate, philanthropic empaths. They are more like emotional thieves who take what you have to give. They see our type a mile away and they get out the straws to suck the love and help we offer. When the straw hits empty at the end – they walk away feeling full looking for their next supply.
The gift present etc thing? Yeah . Heard that too. He would mock me and say well arent you clever and creative? See, I dont have one boone of creativity in my body! And he would say he would take me here or there, dump me and then take his guys friends. Come back and say I wanted to take you but I was so x – y – or z
Always the same thing. I was never good enough but he was free to abuse and hurt me while smiling making it look like I was crazy. they call it gaslighting.
He will be back when the next person runs out of supply, honey. Lock the door. Dont fall for it. They are emotional vampires and I am sad to report I had a so called best friend who does this all the time. NO MORE.
I understand about wanting to die in sleep. I would trade places with my sister who has terminal cancer. I just totally get what you mean.
I am always that girl but not in a good light. They hate me.
But I do understand you
You are “That” girl, who gives unselfishly and unconditionally; a shelter and caregiver; a sounding-board and healing voice. There is nothing expendable about you, though.
I can’t make you believe it, after all I’m just “that” guy on the internet, the guy who also feels like a way-side service station; existing only to give; not wanting to be demanding – in fact demanding nothing – but would like to feel like I was in demand.
I guess we here are all lost little children. We look in the mirror but see no reflection. You describe yourself in outline, but it shows me your substance, the “kind” of person you are…loving. That is the most valuable thing on earth…at least to me. Try not to let that go.