Note: If I seem like I’m holding back it’s because I’m a little paranoid because my mom found the notes I hid on my laptop 2 days ago
One year to 11 months ago I started feeling empty inside  it was kind out of nowhere, when I started school (i had just started high school) I was in a performing arts program and took dance during the weeks and after a while into the school year( not so far in late September) I decided to quit and drop everything because it was getting overwhelming and I was losing interest in it even though I enjoyed these things I thought taking a break would be good for me to have so time off. Months later I stopped calling my friends and eventually broke off connections with them and spent more time on the computer and lying down in bed, the days at school became dull and I started writing  journals trying to figure out why I was sad, and this went on for months  until June
I was called into the guidance office at school during the last day of finals to talk with the social worker, I knew something was up because usually when you’re called to guidance you go to a guidance counselor, when I got there I talked with her a bit and then she said ” I called you here because of a letter the principal found of yours in the library” and I froze when I heard this but kept listening, she continued to say ” now I’m here to talk about depression because I think you may have it” and then she proceeded to ask me ” do you recognize this letter?” I replied yes and then she said “the best way to deal with this is to have support for instance friends” then I told her a lie which was partially true that I was writing a story and using that letter to get an idea of what the character might be feeling , and then she released me but told me if I ever wanted to talk to come to her office, after that summer vacation started and I spent the whole summer trying to understand my depression but failed to.
Weeks ago in early September, I made a bucket list and on Monday of this week I was going to kill myself but because my mother found it (on Sunday started writing on Tuesday), she told me I don’t have depression and just need to think more positively about myself and to stop writing my silly notes which in a way didn’t make me feel better, so now I guess I’m stuck here  which I’m not too happy about because I know I’m going to repeat  the “cycle” of last school year which I don’t want but its not like killing myself is my first option I did try, the thing about depression which I’m no doctor but I do believe I have it, is that things just feel off and it doesn’t just go away I’ve tried hanging out with a group  of people and I will keep quiet and not talk and keep my distance from them, I don’t know I guess I feel silly for feeling empty all the time.
2 comments
it’s really very pathetic that all those who would claim to want to “help” you, seem to be ignorant of the facts, and even the methods in which to help. granted, it’s not all of their fault. you do paint over the truth with little white lies… but that’s not the point.
you are right though. clinical depression will not just go away because you want it to, or because you become more social, or because you wear a smile every day no matter what. but it’s not something that is wrong with you either.
that emptiness is a horrible feeling, that those who do not know it’s presence, cannot understand. but you should be aware that it isn’t a “fault” or problem with you as a person. therefore, you are not silly for feeling it.
i am sorry that your days are occupied with thoughts of suicide. it sounds as if you need to let some things out, but don’t feel quite ready to do so yet. so, that sadness creates a hollow feeling that begins to mask around your entire being, creating the emptiness inside.
It’s depression. Do not take it lightly. And, as you see, you cannot understand it. It kinda forces you to try to understand it, but usually you don’t. A lot of factors can cause it, many times it’s a chemichal imbalance on the brain.
There are a lot of things you can do. First things: eat well, sleep well. Exercise! At least four times a week. Helps to produce natural antidepressants, as well as making your whole body, including brain, to work better.
Stop trying to understand depression. It simply happens. And when it happens your brain starts to bring all negative thoughts it has stored in it. The thoughts you should nurture are only the positive ones, like: “Ok, I am feeling this way due to depression, but it won’t keep me from going on and do this task”. And many others you may learn in cognitive therapy. Some meds could also help. But for these you should get an appointment with a psychiatrist and/or psychologist.
As soon you seek treatment, the better. I know your mom is trying to help you, but negating depression is worse, as it keeps you from getting treatment.
For the time being: eat well, sleep well, exercise and do the best you can, knowing that this best may vary as depression gets harder. But staying all day sleeping in your room isn’t definitely your best!
Best of luck! =)