Okay so I won’t tell you my name just incase someone reading this knows me. I randomly found this website just before searching up suicide things on google. Anyway I am a seventeen year old girl living in New Zealand. I have been diagnosed with depression by a doctor and people tell me all the time they think I suffer from other disorders like bipolar and OCD and others like that.
I have three half-brothers and one half-sister as well as a full sister. I have met two of my half-brothers about three time. My other half-brother and my half-sister don’t even know that I exist. I grew up with my full sister and still have contact with her now. I am the youngest of all my siblings. I grew up in a house with my mum, my dad and my sister. It wasn’t a normal childhood as my parents owned a business and were working or talking about work all the time.
My parents used to fight and have huge arguments all the time because of the stress of work. When I was about 11 I started cutting myself because I hated my family situation. By that stage I hardly ever got to even see my parents. When I was twelve my feelings got worse and as well as cutting I was extremely suicidal. One of my friends noticed really bad cuts and noticed my increasingly depressed moods and informed my teacher of her observations. My teacher was deeply concerned for my life and tried to talk me out of doing anything stupid. She tried to phone my parents and tell them what was going on but they wouldn’t believe her, they thought I was fine. My teacher one day went to the deputy principal about me because she was still really concerned. The deputy principal grabbed my arms and made me show him the cuts and scars. He phoned my mum and made her come to the school. When I got home my parents were very abusive to me because of what I was doing, they yelled at me all night, slapped e and hit me, took all devices suc as computers and cellphones away and wouldn’t let me go anywhere out of their sight. They were so extremely protective I wasn’t even allowed to sleep in my room by myself. I pretended I was over my suicidal feelings so they would back off and give me some space.
After that whole incident my family life started changing. My dad got quite verbally abusive and mean to my elder sister. It was so bad that it got to the point that my mum left my dad when I was 14 because of it. I got stuck living with my dad and had to put up with all his crying and yelling etc. It was a horrible time for me, losing my sister and my mum and being stuck with an emotional wreck of a father. He turned me against my mum to the point I couldn’t even look at her. One night I got home from a soccer game and he started yelling at me for no reason, it escalated quite quickly and he ended up hitting me in the face and throwing me against a wall as well as threatening to call the police on me if I left the room I was in. After about six months of my parents being separated my mum took my dad back because she couldn’t bare me being there with him for much longer.
After my parents got back together my dad spoilt my mum, took her out dancing every weekend, went on trips once a month and went partying and drinking often. Me and my sister were often left to look after ourselves while they were out doing there thing. It was nice they were having fun but it meant we got no family time and they wasted all their money on alcohol, trips and drugs so there wasn’t any money left for essential things.
My mum was an extremely hard working lady, she ran an embroidery factory by herself everyday for about 8 hours. Earlier last year (2011) she went to the dentist to get work done. The dentist stuffed up her jaw and put her in excruciating pain for months. She was on a high dosage of tramadol for the pain but it still wasn’t enough. My mum had had enough of the bullshit caused by my dad and all the pain she was going through so she tried to overdose on her medication. Luckily she was found before she passed away so she was saved. Â My mum a few months later felt her left side wasn’t working properly, she thought she had had a stroke. She went to the doctor to get the doctors thoughts. She was taken to the hospital to get tests taken an it was found that she had cancer, she hadn’t had a stroke. Me and my sister were told mum was in hospital but we had no idea why. We got there in the afternoon to see what had happened. She told us she had cancer of the lung and the brain.
Six weeks after we found out she had cancer she passed away in another hospital while undergoing radiotherapy for the tumors in her brain. It was the worst news I had ever heard. I remember we were all standing in the lounge at my uncles house waiting for a phone call from my dad. He was the one who told us she passed away. During the drive back home dad nearly committed suicide twice.
After mum passed away dad was yet again a complete asshole to my sister. He ended up kicking her out and telling her she wasn’t his daughter any more. About a month after my sister moved out I decided I couldn’t live there anymore. Dad was always out with his mates drinking and doing drugs. I was left at home by myself. I had to basically look after myself and pay for all my own things. After having lost my mum not long before I was not coping being by myself. I went to my uncle and aunty for support as I knew my dad would go mental if I told him I wanted to move out. I ended up just leaving and living at my uncles place without really telling my dad. He went absolutely psycho and told me he wouldn’t support me at all. He told me I am a selfish little ***** who is pushing everyone around and told me he wanted nothing to do with me. He came around to my uncles place one day and was yelling at me, I was sitting there crying with my head dow shaking.
In the months since my mum has passed I have been very depressed. With everything with my dad happening on top I have again been feeling suicidal. I have been to the doctors and been given anti-depressants but I had really bad side effects so I stopped taking them. I have tried counseling but they have pretty much told me that I am beyond counseling.
On top of all the family bullshit I have been given so much work and pressure from school to do things and I just can’t cope. I have exams in a few weeks and I don’t think I am going to do very well.
If  I could change anything in my life I would have my mum back, she always made me feel better, she always knew what to say and she always kept smiling through all the bullshit my dad put her through. She was an amazing inspirational woman and I love and miss her so much. She is the only reason I don’t hurt myself. Rest In Paradise mum, you deserve it <3
1 comment
oh gosh you poor thing 🙁 no one should have to go through that much pain and loss in a lifetime let alone 17 years.
life is hard,but destruction breeds good. without destruction there would be no happiness.
youll pull through this much stronger then you would ever have been if you had a “normal” life. we all have a reason to live. dont throw away your life. youre more then that.