Does anyone else feel pathetic posting here? I do, every time I do.
Well, I’m past due. Way past my date of expiry. I have it set up that if I don’t reply to a text by the end of the day, the cops are going to come busting through my door. And the cops have done that already twice this year, it’d be too embarrassing if I were alive to greet them. Last time they came by, I had three of them stomping around in my room, snooping, while I stared at the traces of vomit that had dried up on the hardwood floor, hoping they wouldn’t notice, while I fidgeted with my phone so they wouldn’t notice my hands shaking from the OD I had taken. I didn’t die after all. I hadn’t taken that OD to die anyways. But there was always that uncertainty. Uncertainty that comes with three days of sleep.
The police are supposed to find me because I don’t want anybody else to. Things that cross my head: will they be able to rent out my room if they know someone died in it? Am I hungry? Should I eat? Would the shit flow out of my body? Will people remember the way I was, before all this?
Most important of all: Can I do this? Or am I going to chicken shit out again?
8 comments
You shouldn’t feel pathetic, but I understand why one would… Your broadcasting your feelings to god knows how many people you don’t know… I used to find it a little weird. I hope you find peace in whatever you decide… And if you chicken out so to say then its a part of yourself that really doesn’t want to go through with it… Maybe try to listen to that part and see other avenues x
my money is on ‘you will chicken out’…..
and i am okay with that.
If you’re not sure, that says that you shouldn’t be doing it! Obviously it’s not something you can change your mind about – flirting with suicide is so fucking confusing. Your post from yesterday was really lovely and I hope to read more in the future…
Thanks for the company.
I just sat outside smoking a cigarette and drinking stale beer, and saw another new thing I have never seen before. I guess a new day brings new things.
I saw an ant die of old age. Or weariness. Whichever it was.
I’ve seen millions of ants throughout my life. I have never seen one die naturally.
It wobbled side to side, keeping on, though its destination I know not.
I had only noticed it a few seconds prior.
I watched it struggle to keep moving forward.
Then it stopped. And it hasn’t moved since.
RIP, ant.
@Jjgirl13, if I die I also hope people remember the way I was on my “glorious days”. That person is getting erased in the eyes of others more and more each day. My brother found some of my pictures in my computer so at least on picture I’ll be immortalized as the passionate, ambitions and adventurous girl I was once.
I hope you don’t stop posting here as you mentioned you would on one of your comments. It’s been having you also as company.
Hello it’s your friend, mike7. i hope you’re okay. don’t go yet still want to talk to you.
Hi Mike. I’m still here, for the time being. You were one of the few people I enjoyed talking to in chat. It was very nice to meet you.
I gave the ******** a test run a few days ago. I didn’t pass out from it though. Made me awfully light-headed. I didn’t have a steady flow going, I wasn’t quite ready to die. If you read my most recent posts, I guess I’ve been dead-set on that trail these past few days. We’ll see.
“Would the shit flow out of my body?”
Probably yes. Death = no muscle tension = sphincter not doing its job.
So Depends people 😉
“Will people remember the way I was, before all this?”
After a while, they’ll remember you as an ideal person. Time does that to (some) memories.