I have never posted here before although I have been reading what others say for a while. I dont ever talk to the people in my life about emotions, feelings or anything else that I keep buried deep down inside myself in order to get through the day.
I have friends. I have friends that I never talk to, and friends that I talk to about small trivial things that are unimportant to me but I deem to be considered normal by society. Its important to me that I blend in and that no one notices that something is wrong. If people knew that something is wrong then they would treat me differently and the last thing I want is to feel anything other than normal, which I cant to if people ask me if I am alright. I dont ever start conversations, I always hope someone will talk to me but thats rare, I guess that means people dont want to be around me. I dont blame them. I hate myself for how I am, there should be nothing wrong with me, I mean I grew up with running water and a roof over my head, and food most days. It pisses me off that dispite that I dont feel alright, and I take that anger out on myself.
These days I dont ever go out. At night, everything is so much worse. I cant hide and bury every feeling and force a smile when someone talks to me, which I hate doing anyway because it feels like Im lying to them, and who am I to lie to people who make the effort to talk to me, even if its probably not that hard because I try very hard to respond nicely. I worry that the people in my life would be much better off without me. I mean, I know my parents would be, and I think everyone else would be too. I dont know why I stick around.
At night whens things get worse is when I actually want someone to be there. I have a dog, but he avoids me when Im at my worst. I didnt think animals would notice but it seems they do, more than the humans in my life. So I spend my nights awake on my own and hate myself for everything and take that hate out on myself. I mean Im not how humans should be, however that even is, so that must be my fault right?
1 comment
Your fault? Not at all~!! Tons of people feel this way. I feel almost the same exact way. I have everything a girl would ever need, but i still hate myself. I cut, i consider suicide, im not sure what you’re going through though, but ill be here to talk. email me, if you want though, mdreams71@gmail.com