To whoever may concern,
Although I am young I already feel it is time to stop running well that is how I feel. I am running from my feelings, my emotions for the better good of others. I don’t want to ‘live’. I don’t need to ‘live’. I have read other story’s and they were the truth. I show no sympathy because I have spent so long hiding what feel that I no longer feel. I’m just empty. A ghost of what I should be. Today my ‘friend’ almost got hit by a car right in front of me. I just smiled. She was scared and was almost in tears. I didn’t care what happened. I’m a sick bastard at the very least but I don’t care.
I tried to commit sucide earlier this year. Of course it didn’t work but it felt almost good. The knowing of death. I took about forty pills. I past out but woke up in the morning. I was constantly sick for two days later. My parents didn’t detect anything. They still don’t detect anything. The sight of pills makes me want to throw up. I still want to end my life but I guess I am too tired. We all I tired. Some may hide it but we are all tired. There is no need for suffering, death is always there arms out to catch us when we fall. Some fall quicker than others but everyone eventually falls. It is just ‘life’.
6 comments
Sorry Isabella that you’re hurting so bad…and you admit you are young. Please understand that there is a reason you’re still here and that you don’t really know what death is. Hell you haven’t been here long enough to figure out even what life is. I’m just starting to get it sorted out myself…and I am an old woman. I have attempted suicide 7 times myself…to no avail as you can tell…and then I decided that I was too much of a eff up to kill myself properly…I might as well figure out how to do the other…live…really live.
Please look for your answers…and trust me…suicide isn’t one of them. You don’t deserve to feel the way you do…no one really does…but it can get better. Heck I have suffered from a severe depressive disorder all my life…and I have now learned how to en”JOY” life for the most part. If you have no joy to balance the depression…damn does it hurt. You deserve better for sure…but first you have to start treating yourself better.
We’re here if you want to talk.
Peace
Amakua
To Amakua,
I know that there is much for life to offer me but I might die before I even appreciate life. That a risk I can’t take. I’m tired. Not just physically but mentally. Everyday a little part of me eats away. Soon Ill just walk around with my heads in the clouds because that is the only way I would be able to hold on to the remaining strands of my life.
It took me a long time to figure out what I was feeling and how I should react. I wouldn’t expect any one to understand but I just can’t feel happy. In fact all I feel is emptiness. I use to be scared. I not any more. Whenever I feel or see pain I smile. I dislocated my thumb during sports. People thought I was joking around because I was laughing. Pain feels like a release. I can’t carry on. I tried but I failed to change my opinion.
Thank you for your kind words,
Isabella
Hey Isabella,
Do you know what dissasociative disorder is? Just wondering. Have you ever sought help from therapists or shrinks? Have you tried everything?
You see…I think I understand…but perhaps I don’t. If not…again I am sooo sorry you are in so much pain…that I do understand. So I’m going to try not to talk you into or out of anything. But just listen if you want to talk.
I hope you find peace one way or the other
Got a preference for one obviously
Amakua
To amakua,
I really do value your opinion. Don’t think I have a disorder. I could all means do but I just feel that I don’t. I can come across as aggressive and confused at points but that is only because I can’t stand living. Therapists and shrinks won’t help. This is the first time someone actually believes what I’m going through. They laugh or call me a freak because that is what I am. A freak. I don’t want to be any thing else. I actually told my brother I tried to commit suicide and called me messed up. That was the end of the topic.
I am different. I imagine killing everyone i know just so I don’t have to fake me. I act all funny and happy so everything I say is a joke. When I forget to, I can just stare in the distance. I even tried blanking out voices just to stop me from screaming. Thinking about I might have disorder. I can’t tell anyone. At least who I know. I’m scared. I don’t what to do.
Isabella
Hey Isabella,
Well from one freak to another…so what? Freaks are people too…haha
See I also laugh when I am uncomfortable…and spent years wearing masks…many, many masks…to the point that one shrink thought I had Multiple Personality Disorder…so I get the masks for sure. Ask anyone that knows me…and they will tell you I am funny, friendly…the life of the party. I spend alot of time in my “real” life fending off people that want to be my friend. People tell me I’m smart, generous, strong, funny…every nice thing you can think of….and sometimes that is exactly who I am…and that is who I want to be someday. Okay…I am all those things…but
The people who “really” know me…and there are lots of them too…I am an open book…or rather I have control issues…hahaha…they will tell you…I am depressed, I am selfish, I am miserable, I am a shit disturber, I am crazy, I am always hurting myself…I never finish anything…ah…the tape from my past. And in truth…when I am hurting…I am those things sometimes.
I have felt like you do right now…many times in my life. The last time was a year ago…when I came here to SP. So even though I am old now…I still suffer from time to time…hell life is hard eh? But I have also learned to balance the good and the bad to some degree. And even though I felt like you when I was 15 and tried hard not to see 16…thought I was doing the world a favour …now that I am 51…wow…just switch the numbers…I look back…and am GLAD that I stayed and stuck it out. It never gets perfect…but it does get better. And I think about all the things that I would have missed out on…even having the opportunity to meet you.
I wish I could give you really good advice or help…but you see my love…I’m probably more of a fucked up freak than you are…I just have earned…yup earned and learned to love myself more…and tried to balance the negative with the positive. I really am sorry you are going through this…but some of it could be caused by a number of things outside your control…hormones is the first thing to come to mind…abuse is the second…addiction the third…oh yeah…lots of things…that is why I urge you to find help…whether online…a therapist…an older friend….a crisis center….but just know…it does get better…and try to control the amount of damage you do to yourself and others when you are so scared, angry and in pain. Don’t shut the people who care about you out…just the ones that don’t.
You are not really a freak…you are just scared little one…and in pain.
You are really a good, kind soul…I can still see your light…even through your darkness…and you are very strong. Try using your strength for you instead of against you…and see how beautiful you really are.
Peace
Amakua
To Amakua,
I should get help but I don’t want to. I can’t. They won’t understand. They will only judge me. The fact is no one likes me. The people that do like me I despise. Like my mum for instant. I hate her soo much yet all she tries to do is show me love, love I don’t want or need. Maybe her being so needy makes me hate her more. I hate getting touched. Yet she still does. I keep telling her just to leave but she always moans.
Every since I was young I always play on my own. I prefer my own company. Maybe I haven’t found someone that I actually enjoy being around. Even though I hate my life I just don’t want to change it if it will only get worst. That why I haven’t tried for a few months. It is just really boring. Nothing in the past months have actually made me want to stay alive.
That why I joined this site.
Isabella