i don’t understand and I can’t stand it

I really don’t understand.  Nothing affects me like my father.  I’ve had my brother tell me he is so disappointed in me, that I am selfish and immature, that I abuse the ones I love with what I do, that all I care about is attention-seeking, that I’m going to fail in life.  I’ve had my mother tell me that she simply can’t believe that I am not doing this to hurt her.  That my cutting, that my suicide attempts, that even my physical illnesses like my catatonic episodes where I ended up in Hopkins Neurology because I couldn’t move my body, that all of that had to do with hurting her and making her life hard.  I’ve had boyfriends break up with me because I cut in his bathroom or asked for help on Skype because I couldn’t put down the pills.  One of them I had been with for three years.  I’ve dealt with all of that…by tears and moving on.  I forgave my mother.  I forgave my brother.  I did yell at my mother that one time when she accused me of ruining her date with my suicide attempt, but that was the first time I had yelled in my whole life, and the last time since, and I felt wretched.  She ended up giving up on me and sending me to my father after this last hospitalization.  She’s there for the good times only now.  Whatever.  The point is, none of these things really cut me.  I yelled that once, I cried through all of it, but I dealt with it.  My father yelled in the car…for the span of about 5 minutes…not at me or having anything to even do with me.  And now I am in this depressive slump that I can’t shake.  With impulses to hurt and kill myself.  They aren’t rational and they don’t make sense and I don’t know how to deal with them.  I’m not angry at him and I’m not upset with him, and there is nothing that he has ever said to me, in my entire life really, that makes me think that he should be the root cause of why I feel this way.  All I know is I was fine—more than fine—for about 7 months now.  Off all of meds and in school and working and having a functional social and family life.  Now directly after that one small incident I can’t stand to be alone with myself because the instant I am by myself I feel like dying.  Even around people I am not myself.  And I don’t know how long I can keep these pieces glued together before I snap again and lose everything I’ve built up.   I don’t know what to do.  Or what the cause is.  Or how to deal with this.