My whole life I’ve been told that I was smart. Smart enough to do anything I wanted. I would be the one in the family to go the furthest and make everyone proud. Well, here I am, about to fail my first class in grad school. There’s no way out of it now, save death. The final is Monday, and I know nothing. Every time I try to study I look blankly at the slides for about a half hour, then cry for an hour, then I’m so exhausted all I want to do is take a shower and go to sleep. Everywhere I turn there’s more evidence that I don’t belong here, that I’m too stupid for this program. All I want is to make my family proud.
I’ve always been a pretty positive person, and would have never said I felt depressed. But these last 3 months have been hell…every day I see more and more proof that I’m not smart/creative/innovative enough. Then I come “home” to an empty apartment to study (read:cry) and wish to God that I could go back in time, never apply for grad school, get a desk job, and continue to live happily with my boyfriend. But since time travel isn’t an option, I only see two options.
1. I fail school, drop out, and tell my family…over the holidays. See their disappointed faces that the one who was going to go farthest will turn out to be an average jane after all. I love my family so much, and I don’t think I could bear their judgements, especially not during the holidays.
2. End it. I’ve thought about it off and on for the past 2 months…I’m still too much of a coward to think about it really seriously, but I’m sure that will change after my test on Monday.
All I want to do is go back to being happy…I hate feeling sad and tired all the time. I feel like I’m not even really alive anymore; I derive no pleasure from life except on the weekends that my boyfriend comes to visit. And then it’s a brief burst of happiness that, when taken away, leaves me feeling even more empty than before. Visits from my family are nice, but since they’re partially aware of my academic struggles, they like to talk about how I can “get back on track” (I can’t) and “if I work hard enough, I can do anything” (untrue). These conversations just leave me exhausted and feeling even more guilty/worthless/like a failure.
I wish there were a magic pill that was easily available that would cause painless death. But since that doesn’t exist, and most suicide methods involve pain and/or the possibility of surviving with health problems, I’m too scared for now to take the plunge.
Which makes me hate myself even more. I am the ultimate failure.
4 comments
I can tell you that 3 horrible months shouldn’t effect the rest of your life. Your a smart person as you stated, so go about things the right way. Speak to someone, maybe meds, whatever helps, everyones different. You got too many years to let 3 months define who you are. Do what what makes YOU happy, then worry about the family.
If you want to work a desk job instead, it’s not too late. Start applying. You don’t have to put grad school on your resume at all.
If you want to be in grad school, ask yourself why you don’t understand. Are you missing pieces of the background? Do you have the background, and can’t put the pieces together? Try to form study groups with classmates where you can help each other, and ask professors for help explaining during their office hours. Failing one class doesn’t always mean you are out of the program, you might just have to take the class again.
DJ: The problem is my family is part of what makes me happy. If they are unhappy with me, how can I be happy with myself/life? Yes, they will eventually get over it, but it’s not like they’ll forget this “amazing chance” that I blew…it’ll always be in the back of their minds.
zei: Honestly, it’s both. I don’t seem to have the background that everyone else does, and the gaps aren’t allowing me to put things together, even if there are certain small aspects that I understand. I have formed a study group of sorts (actually a study pair) but it’s kind of pointless because the girl understands about as much as I do, so we take forever on one question/topic. And I have talked to enough people in the rest of my class to know that they 1) understand almost everything and 2) have little patience for those who do not. One girl in particular confided in me that she thought the girl I am studying with will fail the exam because she doesn’t understand anything. Of course, she didn’t know that I felt the same way, and her words were further validation that I can’t pass. Even if I am able to stay in the program after failing this class, what about the next class I fail?
WishForHappiness, my heart goes out to you completely. I understand the grad environment.
Beyond the grading and meritocracy, do you feel happy? Is the pursuit of this study/issue making you happy? That’s what counts at the end of the day.
Go back to those core aspects for now. Let the gaps be.
Another thing to note, is that what people sense they know is often not a reflection of what they actually know. This applies to what you’re feeling now, and definitely applies to your perceptions of your classmates.
And then really think about the worst case scenario…does it really have to be over if this doesn’t go as well as you like…and I mean really over?
I think you’re awesome for pushing yourself to do well. You’re among few (people pursuing graduate education are rare), but even those in high places struggle. This doesn’t have to derail your plans…in fact, it may just make the route a bit clearer.
What you’re going through is uncomfortable, scary, and hard.
But you’re definitely not a failure. Being a failure is completely different from running the risk of failing. Take the verb over the adjective. This is not fatal, and not the end.
Break into a different study group for a final session. Speak with your professor and reinforce the basics. You rock for being there…and be *proud* of yourself for being there.
Know that I’m here if you want to talk.