Hey guys,
Ive only been suicidal for about 2 months now although ive had obsessive thoughts, depression, and anxiety most of my life (im 27 f). It all started for me when i suddenly started having significant perceptual difficulties as well as cognitive (memory) problems along with severe debilitating anxiety and depression. After researching it myself and talking to dr.s I then convinced myself that i must be developing a mental illness or something similar to schizophrenia. The fear has taken over my life and the idea of having a psychotic mental illness is something that i couldnt live with so although i havent full blown developed it yet i feel like im still prepared to kill myself whenever that happens. Ive seen counselors/psychiatrists/psycholgists etc. and some say it could be the start of it while others say its just ocd…but either way its ruining my quality of life so much that living the rest of my life seems impossible. I have constant derealization, fears, hypervigilance, etc. anyways so thats a little background about whats going on with me. I am also Christian and have a BA in social work and would have NEVER considered suicide and since i have been so close to it so many times i KNOW that there is something wrong in my brain because this is so unlike me…anways the reason i wanted to write this was because there are a few things that have kept me from commiting suicide (so far) and maybe they could help any one of you guys live at least just one more day… some of these things DEFINTELY sound demented and/or weird and corny but hey these are the things that help me…(ps you dont have to agree with everything i write they are just little things that have helped at my darkest times and the reasons i am still alive today)
- watch this video and follow what the audience does..its a speaker named John Bradshaw on the Oprah show..fast forward the clip to the 2 minute mark and thats where to start watching http://youtu.be/roVJuYta0A4 if this link doesnt come right up type into youtube: john bradshaw oprah part 2….after your done doing this you should be able to see yourself as a child again…and the sweet child you were born as is still in you and you wouldnt want to hurt or kill that child thats inside of you by commiting suicide…learn to see yourself as you were when you were a sweet little kid
-Remember that no matter what, if nothing else feels real in this world…the one truth we have is that EVERY single person WILL die in one way or another WITHOUT you doing it yourself…so you dont have to take your life it will already be taken one day…this is not forever
-You never know when you would have died naturally…so what if you decided to kill yourself today but you would have died in a car accident next week? Or got cancer and ended up dying 6 weeks from now anyways? So if you wish you were dead that bad…know that every day that you wake up you are closer to the day you will die.
-Pretend like you did have cancer and the doctor only gave you 6 weeks to live…how would you be living your life for the next 6 weeks? Probably a lot happier than you are now because youd know that there was relief in sight…so do those things that you would want to do before you die
-even though its hard for me to feel God right now or his spirit…i know that its still there somewhere even though i dont feel him…and so i try to remember that all it takes is for some random miracle to happen…for all you know you may wake up and see things in a different light…or a person may come into your life that may change everything…also just imagine that you have angels all around you all the time, because you do and they care about you
– when wer depressed we want to see huge changes in our feelings/thoughts/etc. but the little things are significant and the more we learn to acknowledge them the easier it will be for us to start thinking more positively…start by keeping a gratitude journel and writing 3 things a day…it could be little things like…my dog was really happy to see me when i got home…or i heard a song in the grocery store that made me feel good…or i ate really good cookies today…you get the idea
– i know this sounds stupid but watching the long island medium show really caused me to want to believe that my family members that died are still with me…so watching that show helps me to want to live so i can be with them when i die
– Start feeling things out with your heart instead of your mind…imagine your heart is your soul and let it guide you rather than your thoughts…an exercise to do that can help with that is just start driving and dont think about where you want to turn or what direction you want to go just try to feel it out with your heart…that will help teach you how to listen to that more
anyways i know this stuff may not be what some want to hear but if it resignates with anyone in any kind of way well then it makes me feel like my life today was worth something…i will be praying daily for everyone on this website and if any at all wants to talk at all you can email me anytime ardathkelly@aol.com. You guys will make it just wait it out
4 comments
Lady, I like how you think (glitchy and all)..! By the way, it’s spelled “resonate”. 😉
I know all about your second last suggested method… My heart leads me to adventure.
And yes, I’m totally emailing you. Thank you.
this was nice of you to make a list.
Thanks for posting this. I’ve been waffling back and forth about taking my own life for some time now. After reading this, it put things in perspective and made me feel a little better, at least for the moment. It won’t last, I know, but I’ll take what I can get. Thanks again!
i feel almost the exact same way as you. makes me feel less alone i guess. thank you for posting this 🙂