I’ve tried turning my life round, but yet again I’ve failed. I keep trying to better myself but everything ends up being a false dawn of hope or another fuck up to add to the ever extending list. I’ve always been a bit melancholy but I love having a laugh. I want to be in love again but I can’t open up. People say that I sometimes come across as cocky or supremely confident, yet I’m actually shy and unsure of myself. I’m one huge contradiction. I can easily identify with those who say they wear a mask in front of others and hide what they’re actually feeling.
I’ve got close friends, vast numbers of mates and a good family, but I still can’t change the way I feel about life and I can’t open up to anyone about it. I’m more complicated than people realise and I don’t want to be a burden, I don’t want to bring others down with all my shit. I wouldn’t even know how to put it into words. Little things spin me out of a positive mindset and back into morbidness. Lack of money, dead end jobs, being single, Â instability. They all wear me down day by day. I was on a course of anti-depressants in the summer for a month and they helped, but I’ve been dipping gradually ever since. What am I supposed to do?! I’m not taking anti-depressants for the rest of my life. I’m 24 and I have nothing to show for it. A failed university course, skills that I’ve learnt but not mastered. My close group of mates are racking up the life experiences; Travelling, holidays, London piss-ups, festivals. What do I do? fuck all. Maybe one festival a year if I’m lucky (that leaves me living on pennies afterwards). Others have started buying houses, decent cars. I’m still stuck at home, driving a shit-heap, getting paid a pittance with no prospects and a mountain of debt that I have no hope of ever paying. I only realised how bad it’s been going now it’s christmas, when being skint really hits home. I’ve been on a self-destruction mission for a few months without even realising. Spending all my wages midweek getting drunk, drink-driving home, hating being sober. It’s not alcoholism, it’s the fact that at least when I’m steaming I don’t have to think about how shit my life is.
We’ve always had to struggle as a family, financially. But now everyone else is prospering and I’m the one who keeps making shit career and life choices, keeps making mistakes. I’m the 4th of 5 kids and whilst the others have good lives and careers I’ve got nothing. My last venture is to start up a business with a mate. Well he’s even more useless than I am and seems to be doing his best to fuck the whole thing up. I’m a failure and I always have been but I can’t go on failing and disappointing anymore. When I was considering taking my own life about 6-9 months ago the thing that held me back was family and friends. That’s not enough for me to reconsider anymore. I feel less attached to everyone now, like I don’t belong anymore. the last 2 weeks since work finished for the xmas break I’ve done nothing. I lie on my bed, watch tv, I do nothing worth while and I can’t change. I’ve stopped eating over the last 3 days, I don’t speak to anyone and no one speaks to me. I’ve accepted what I’m going to do. I’ll wait until after New Years Eve ’cause I don’t want to ruin everyone else’s night. I might do it on New years whilst my friends and family are busy doing their own thing. either way, I can’t go on, I don’t want to keep slipping in to this frame of mind every few months. I don’t want to keep tailoring my dreams and aspirations in life accordingly for each fuck up and failure that happens and lowering my expectations. I was emotional when I last went through this but now I’m not even upset. I feel dead already.
If anyone I know reads this (unlikely) then all I can do is apologise. I really am sorry, but don’t be upset. Move on. I’ve never felt truly comfortable in this life. The experiences I’ve had with my mates have meant everything to me, but they’re becoming too few and far between and that’s my fault, not yours. I’ve hated my life and the direction it’s been heading for years, but when I try and change it it only seems to get worse. I’m self destructive and unproductive. I don’t really know why I’m writing this anyway, I suppose I’m just looking for what everyone else on here is too. That feeling that someone else understands, maybe? Or maybe just a bit of fame and attention? I don’t know, I don’t really want the attention or “you’ve got so much to live for. Don’t do it! Things will get better” ’cause it’s all bullshit, small talk and lies.
For those who have taken the time to read this then thank you, and I apologise for my cynicism and self-loathing. I’ve always been a pessimistic little shite.
Maybe I just wasn’t made for this life, maybe I’m meant to skip to the next one?
See you on the otherside x
5 comments
Hello
I have read every single word you have written, as I always do.
The overall diagnose that I would make of your case would be: recoverable.
It is exactly as you mentioned, that the little bits of bitchy life are eating your moral away, it is this addition of tiny blows everyday that wears you down and undermines your emotional resources. That is completely natural, so you are being affected actually the way it is affecting probably a couple of million others.
The natural consequence of that is slipping down the slope, staying in bed, wanking, and drinking beer. I know that all too well.
However it is recoverable because you have to great assets on your side:
One is that you are 24, and the other is that you are intelligent enough to make it.
Also you live in the UK, which is, as far as the labour market is concerned, probably the best place in the world to progress.
So, what you need to do is, fix a date where you will start with a cold shower, and sharp haircut and paper and a pencil. You speak that you have gotten some skills but not yet mastered them. You need to dedicate time, days or a couple of weeks to profile exactly something that you can do and that is demanded by the market. Once you have that clearly defined, learn them and apply for that job. You can fix yourself the goal that you will need to be working on your skills for 5 years, both professionally and with text books. By the time you are 29 you are still a kid, and can start building your life and banging all the beautiful Brit chicks.
Regards
Oracle
Your American enthusiasm and positivity (and love of british women) amuses me. I wish I had the first 2 (I’m good on the 3rd)
I know it’s recoverable and I know I’m intelligent. I know that there’s people in this country, and all round the world that are in a shitter state than me. But that’s part of the problem. I’ve got so much potential that I’ve never fulfilled, I’ve never been able to put it into effect and it fills me with regret and hopelessness. Those 2 feelings eat away at me. I’ve always been a thinker, always over analysed things and always, from a very young age, been a pessimist. I’ve never imagined myself living past the age of 25. Even as a child I always thought I’d die young.
A friend who I grew up with, although hadn’t seen in years, died a month ago in unexpected circumstances. It was horrible to see his parents and family crushed by grief (His parents and my mum are still very close friends) and it was so emotional. But I found myself thinking that he, and I, might be better off out of it. How do we know?
The shit things that life brings just keep mounting up and it gets harder and harder to see the positive things of life. This xmas wasn’t as bad as last year for me, but I still felt so uncomfortable with it. Like I said, last year was worse and the low started earlier, but I still feel tired of it all. And the subconscious slef destructive streak gets worse too. I’ve always dabbled in drugs, I quit years ago, then went on a blow out after I fucked up a relationship, then cut down again. Now I just want to go out and get fucked up at any opportunity, on whatever drug is going. Even if I go out for a quiet pint, chances are I’ll end up drinking 10 pints, sniffing a nose-bag, going out all night or driving home through the forest in the early hours, contemplating hitting every tree on the way home. I hate waking up. My dreams are better than reality. Life shouldn’t be like that?
Well, we both agree that a row of pints will not get you exactly to where you want, nor will a nosebag. With regard to driving drunk, that is another issue that cannot be joked about it. Someone can get killed because of you, so I hope you do take that very seriously.
That cleared, I would donate my balls now if I could be 24. You must have a written plan and follow through with discipline. You have to be ambitious. The more you specialize in your skills the higher the demand and the more you will be paid. The more money you have, the more chicks you can buy and get, and that should be the mission of your life. It is mine. If you already have the chicks even for free, then lucky of you, aim then to other things like buying an apartment in the South of Spain, etc. They are going to be very cheap. Your plan must have both a combination of strategy and reward, because if there is no reward, nobody would bother the effort.
So shake the crap inside yourself off and make that determination. No more bed wanking, no more pint cuddling, be very excited that you are 24 and that you are in the prime time to start any projects.
If you want to be more specific, what skills are we talking about? what is that entrepreneurial stuff you are trying to launch?
I’ve worked on building sites since I was 16, I’m a qualified bricklayer. The business that I’m trying to build a landscaping company, so; Garden maintenance (Hedge trimming, lawn mowing etc) patio building etc. I’m a hard worker, likeable. Customers and clients like and trust me. But I can’t keep dipping in to these shitty frames of mind every few months. It’s scary that it takes me to get to my most extreme before I begin to pull myself out of it and it gets worse each time. It’s like I’m delyaing the inevitable
I’m not like this every dya of every week or month. But I drop I REALLY fucking drop, fast! And when I do it affects every single part of me. My back and my knees hurt, headaches start, I shut myself off and stop looking after myself, stop eating, drinking…