My story began many years ago when I was a naive kid who was bullied. Every time I tried to be perfect, friendly with people and never say any bad word. I trusted people and they trusted me because they knew I will never disappoint them. However, they disappointed me. It was one of the reasons why I became a potential liar. Honestly, I didn’t know that many years, even if some people asked me to stop doing that shit. I didn’t want to be antisocial, so I tried keep talking with people without opening my heart. Sometimes I lied, sometimes I didn’t tell the truth.. It wasn’t so bad. I was a little guilty, but later I forgot that feeling and lying became my habit.
Now I’ve lost everything. I have no friends, college-mates don’t talk with me and think that I’m weird. When I lost my last friend I started thinking about committing a suicide. 5 years I hadn’t any thoughts about this step. However, when life became harder I started feeling broken. I tried to stop lying, but it’s too hard. I started meeting a psychologist, but I won’t wait until the next visit. We found the main reason why I became a potential liar. I just wanted to protect myself from any pain I had in the past. But I won’t tolerate that anymore. I was such an ass with people, so I’m not deserved to live.
I feel very lonely. I wish I could die. I don’t feel alive anymore. However, I’m little afraid… I want to die slowly, because I want to apologize for my mistakes.
I need a little time, so I started starving myself. I will starve until I die. Because I’m not skinny, I have ~3 months to live. I wish I could stay, but I can’t.
I have no more reasons to live alone with my broken personality and thoughts…
5 comments
Hello Lostliar,
Are you new to SP? If so…know you are very welcome . I’m not sure that your answer to your problems is a good one. Sounds very inhumane…and if you get caught…you will be hospitalized. Why not give the psych another chance…or stick around here….or join a support group…or get counselling for individual issues? I mean…what do you have to lose besides your life…and that doesn’t seem to scare you…does it? Sounds very dramatic…like you are looking to be rescued from yourself…or maybe want to make others around you suffer and feel guilt…because you are angry? Don’t know…don’t know you, so I’m just ummm guessing..haha.
Or maybe you’re not really sure? Why not stick around and talk to us?
Peace
Amakua
Thank you for the comment. Yes, I’m new here.
It’s really hard to explain. These days I feel very confused. I don’t want anything. I can’t sleep well, have suicidal thoughts. I’m not seeking for attention or something like that. I need help. I wonder to know about people who had the same problem. I have no idea how to live again. I didn’t love myself before, but I started hating my body, my personality much more. I just want to stop it, but I’m not persistent enought.
Your true. I need to cHange my username. Thank you for everything. By the way, I’m little older and I’m female. I’m going to meet a psychologist after the Christmas, so I need to spend that time somehow…
Hey Lostliar…welcome to SP…I will be your very unofficial tourguide…haha. First thing we gotta do is change your user name…else no one will believe a word you say…hahaha. I don’t think you are a liar…more like a pretender that wears many masks. So maybe something about masks? Oh yeah…and while we’re making changes….why not change something real about yourself. What is one thing you would like to do that you are afraid to do…or don’t think you could do? I’m talking…ummm getting your driver’s licence, learning how to keyboard, petting a snake(a real one for all you dirty buggers out there), learning to swim, joining a club or group? Catch my meaning? Just wondering…don’t feel obligate to take my advice…or answer my nosy questions…but I would like to know.
Soooo…wanna stick around and play with us? As I said…you’re more than welcome…and there a lot of kind souls here with similiar feelings and issues…and they usually have better advice than me too…hahaha. Any chance of counselling or therapy? And if you wouldn’t mind…are you a teen or older? M/F? Again…don’t feel obligated to answer…just curious.
Hope you stick around…and while you are waiting for your peers to come around…read some other posts…comment if you feel inspired to or have something to add…or it resonates with you. Make a new post? Whatever you wish. Any questions? Just ask anyone…they are very helpful for the most part…heck I might even have an answer or two….haha
BTW…by way of introduction…I am an old woman…and have suffered from Melancholia since birth…so I do happen to know that it can get better…and will get better…when you get better.
Peace
Amakua
Hey Lostliar,
Why not spend some of it with the “interesting and interested” folks of SP? I am so pleased to hear you are trying to get some help with this. Just wanted to tell you a few things…ahem…
When you talk to the counsellor…tell the truth…otherwise they can’t guide you…if they don’t know you. I mean…protect your ass for sure…but talk about your thoughts and feelings…don’t put on another mask for the therapist. Also…tears are acceptable…raging and throwing furniture is not….I should know…hahahaha That will get ya 3 hots and a cot in the local psych ward…lol. Seriously…the counsellors don’t expect you to be OK…so don’t waste your time trying to fool them or yourself. It’s time to get real and understand and take control of your own thoughts and emotions. Also…not all therapists are created equal…if this one is a ditz…or worse yet…incompetent …then don’t give up on you cuz you give up on them…find a new therapist…and keep moving forward. You might change a few things this year…a few more next year…one step at a time…and before you realize it…you begin to feel hope and love, awe and wonder, joy and happiness…some of us for the first time ever. But it is work…I won’t lie to you…hard work…but you’re worth it.
Hang on til the New Year…and resolve to make making you better the focus of your new year.
Peace
Amakua