I’ve said a million times that I would rather be beat up than to hurt emotionally, but it never seems to work out that way. As I found out on Thursday night, even if you are beat up physically, your heart will still hurt.
I am not getting any younger. I am 29, I have a seemingly great life; I have a full time job at a great company, I have a wonderful apartment near my job, I have my two cats that I live with, some great friends, a supportive family… But there is one thing missing – a relationship with myself.
I am constantly trying to fill a void and usually I am trying to do that through alcohol. I was sober for many months this year and even through sobriety, I couldn’t find happiness. I was in a relationship that was somewhat abusive that just ended two nights ago. This has sent me spiraling out of control. I have felt suicidal for months after a PMDD diagnosis. I was sexually abused as a child, I went through breast cancer at age 25/26 and I have been an active alcohol for many years. I never sought treatment for the alcoholism because I thought that if I could get a handle on my emotions, maybe I could drink. I have found that I will never have a handle on either.
I am in such dire straights right now. I want to go, but I would rather disappear. I think about jumping in front of a train but that would be messy and traumatic for people. Same thing with jumping off of a bridge over the highway. I hate guns but I guess that would be the ideal method.
I have screwed so many things up in my lifetime. This has been by far the worst I’ve felt in my life. I have spent the majority of this day crying my eyes out. I have let some people in as to how I am feeling but I have struggled with this for so long, I don’t think people even take it seriously anymore. I have always disliked myself but now I have taken it up a notch and I absolutely can’t stand myself whatsoever.