Tonight I have thought about driving over a bridge, drowning in my bathtub or just slitting my wrists with broken glass. It’s a disease. Suicide is something that takes you over and makes you weaker and weaker.
Strange that today I am willing to take my life when I remember pulling through all the difficulties, I am still alive but it’s not that I have to just keep on going through and surviving through yet another hard time but that I have to remember and re-live the pain of when I first held a bottle of pills. It used to be that nobody knew, that behind closed doors I am someone who hates herself and is screaming inside for help. It’s not about looks, I’m lucky to bea pretty girl. I feel like pain shows now or people get that vibe from me. Dropping out of college was never where I would have imagined I could be when I was once a little girl. It’s my struggle to be around people, to deal with my personal problems and put an act on that has made me weak, that has made me a college dropout. I debated and did drama, my report cards never had a negative thing to say except for punctuality. All I wanted was for my mom to be there like my friends’ moms. Then I left her home at 11 as I was told to. My step-dad molested me for years and as far as I can remember was when I was about 8. My only brother that I loved so much who was just a year apart had migrated when I was 6, it started that he was away for a summer vacation with this this guy who claims to be his father but he was really kidnapped and 10 years later I finally found him on facebook. He said to me that he is most sorry for not being there for his little sister and not being able to protect her. I have been separated from my brother and felt neglected by my mom but it didnt bother me. Now, now…. if you could feel what I feel everyday.
I have a boyfriend and he knows this all but it only gets worse because I am so broken, my father that I finally knew at 9 years old has tried to control my life ever since but he has never bonded with me when I was a child. We have had so many fights and he has hit me recently. I feel he thinks of me as stupid and crazy. It feels like constant emotional and verbal abuse but I have no where else to go, I have no one to tell me what it is that I’m going through – that I am not alright or alright in the head. I asked to see a therapist but my father said it’s a waste of money. I do feel fucked up a lot. I do blame my parents. They were never together, but if it werent for my mom raising me, I dont know how much worse I would be. I could have been so amazing. My law lecturer told me I am full of potential but I flunked last year because I wasn’t focused. I had just moved out from by my eldest sister who took me in because she saw something in me. It got stagnant by her as I exploded and ODed a few times then. It was difficult to adapt and very uncomfortable but I hid those feelings. She told me when I was 13, when she decided to take me in, that she sees i’m not a product of my environment. My father is constantly travelling and he’s 72. He only seems to care about money and my younger brother who he sees himself in and his adopted daughter who is now an alcoholic and in her mid 20’s but she has had problems too. I feel very pressured. After highschool, the year I moved in with my dad again, I kept on pushing. I decided to go to college and i had gotten a summer job but everything always goes bad for me. I feel like I barely have support. I have let myself go too and I struggled with self-confidence way too much.
It feels like it gets harder and worse but I feel weaker and weaker. 🙁 I want it all to end, it feels like it has gotten way out of control and I don’t know where to start to fix anything. I don’t have the finances to get away and move away from everyone and everything, i’m only 18 and scared. Ending my life would ease me, I wont mess up anymore, I won’t disappoint, I would just be that girl that everyone can point a finger at and say ahh, I suppose I knew she would end up like this. I used to care, enough to want to prove myself, but now I am weak.
3 comments
You have us, at the least you have me, I’m an 18 year old you postponed going to college until next year I know nothing I can say can heal all the horrible un deserved things that have happened to you, I’m not a therapist or anything but I might have seen enough in my life to be a good enough listener if you wana email me sometime
Stay strong (I know it’s a stupid thing to say I know you’re doing your best)
You didn’t deserve any of those awful things that happened to you as a child- and the ones that seem to continue. Maybe forming some solid friendships online will give you a lifeline. I found that online was where I had to make new friends after I lost my job (and the friends there) and was stuck at home all day with no money. I made a whole new group of friends of all ages & interests. I have been interstate to stay with some for holidays and others have come and stayed with us! Others are in my city and we get together to talk about life, blogging, their kids, their parents etc. All of us are a lot happier than we were before we started our social group. But try NOT to fall in love/lust with someone you’ve never met IRL. It’s very tricky! You sound as though you could go places in life- just survive now & try some new strategies. Perhaps you can see a social worker through your family doctor. Your father doesn’t have to know. Most SW are good counsellors.
Well, agirlinthisworld, I think the first thing that needs to be said saints and truly ask themselves “Is it worth it, am *I* worth it?”
You look yourself squarely in the mirror, agirlinthisworld, and THAT *IS* STRENGTH.
You see what you are and where you are and own up to it, you don’t shy away from the reflection but stare straight into it, you look yourself in the eye and, the eyes being the gateway to the soul, you struggle with yourself, yes, you consider suicide…
And then you come here and admit to feeling it’s too much–
ALL of that is a sign of strength. The world is full of people, madame, who will lie to you–you’ve met them already, it seems–people who will sooner tell you the sky is orange and that they can handle it or that they have a plan for you than tell you the truth, that life is so often brutal, nasty, savage, and all through no fault of your own.
You don’t lie to the world, and you don’t lie to YOURSELF…consider how difficult it is for so many people to be honest with themselves they way you’ve just been honest with us and with yourself, how much easier a lie is, how much easier it is to slap on a false grin and walk amongst the masses as if you haven’t a worry in the world, pretending all the while and screaming inside…
You’re honest in your fear, and you face it head-on, and THAT is true courage in the face of true hardship.
Let that be the point to first, foremost, and forever resonate with you–
You are NOT weak so long as you are honest, open, and always able to search yourself, look yourself in the face and admit to yourself “I AM afraid.”
Because it’s ONLY after you make that admission, only after you utter that sentence, agirlinthisworld, that the next sentence, so much greater in nature, follows–
“I AM afraid…and I CAN overcome this fear.”
And that, in time, becomes “I WILL NOT let these shadows obscure the truth, beauty and wisdom that IS *ME*,” and THAT is a moment worth waiting and living for…
And it’s a moment you can have, madame, if you stay with us a while, and more importantly, stay with yourself, whole, in one piece and of one mind, and it all starts with that slight correction, seemingly-innocuous but monumental in meaning:
Take “I am Weak” and change it to “I am Afraid.”
From that, all else above may follow.
You DESERVE to think of yourself as strong of will and possessing a bold persona.
And, again,
Nothing can change until you make that small, first step…
Change it–you are NOT Weak, you ARE Afraid…
And that admission is not a sign of strength but of openness and willingness to get better.
You’ve had a tough life–and words don’t do it the slightest justice, but you have.
Let’s not dance around the obvious or lie, that’d be weak and unworthy on my part–
You’ve had what sounds like some horrendously tragic breaks,
A monster molesting you,
One family drama following another,
One thing gon sour after another,
Building and bulding to some atrocious, appalling apex of pressure,
That pressure builds and builds on you,
It feels tremendous, perhaps even the smallest thing a seemingly-huge obstacle,
And at this point, you feel as if it’s too heavy a load, that you might break…
THERE IS *NO* SHAME IN FEELING THAT IN YOUR POSITION, MS…
IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU WEAK.
That you buckle or sway doesn’t mean you don’t have pillars yet to hold you up–
It means they’re under such pressure that even someone as STRONG as you needs a little help at the moment, that even someone with as much courage and fortitude as yourself feels the need, quite understandably, to reach out and ask for assistance.
That, again, is not weakness, but wisdom–more foolish and more fraught with peril is the person who tries to carry 500 pounds all on their own, breaking their back, instead of asking for help when the load is too great even for them.
If you don’t believe me, if you don’t believe us, consider your teachers, who claim there’s so much potential in you…
And if you choose not to believe ANY of that–
Once more look in that mirror, once more cast your eyes inward and face yourself, look on what you see, the survivor of all that’s confronted you so far…
And believe THAT as proof that you are a strong person, madame, and that you can yet live up to that enormous potential and wondrous life others see possible for you.
If you can’t believe us, believe that little girl who thought she’d achieve so much–
And listen to HER.
Don’t blame your parents–
Not because they don’t deserve it, but because YOU don’t deserve to be reminded of their burdens placed on you and weigh YOURSELF down with undue pain.
They may be well responsible for your missteps, some or many or most of them–
Cast ALL that aside, forget the past, and look to the future…
And if that future seems bleak, cast your eyes inward again and really look at yourself…have the same courage and honesty that led you to admit you feel pain…
And ask yourself if you truly believe that the future cannot possibly improve for someone as driven, as talented, as full of potency and potential as yourself.
You say you have a problem with confidence.
Given what’s happened to you, that’s understandable.
It’s understandable, madame, but in no way is it right–
You have every RIGHT to feel confident, ever right to look on yourself with a hundred times the pride and conviction I, a mere stranger in the night, believe you to have.
As you might be able to tell from my name, agirlinthisworld, I’m a literature person.
One of the greatest poets ever was a fellow by the name of John Keats…
One of the greatest poems he ever wrote was called “Ode On a Grecian Urn,”
One of the greatest lines in all poetry comes from it, the famous last lines:
Beauty is truth, truth beauty–
That is all ye need know on Earth; and all ye need to know.
You’re FACING the truth,
Full on,
Eyes open,
Now face it full on, eyes open, summoning that strength of so many years…
And see that your facing the truth IS beautiful, IS courageous, IS strong…
And that YOU are beautiful, courageous, strong, brave enough to admit feeling fear…
And it isn’t all ye need to know, but that IS the first beautiful, truthful step.
Take someone’s hand, take a deap breath, take my good wishes and good luck…
And take that step. 😉