Losing Hope and getting it back

Hey, I am Kriss (Short for Kristina). I am 15, going on 16, and I live in Ohio. I am German, and British with a little bit of Native American and Irish in me.

I just thought I would be neighborly and introduce myself. I am here because, like most everyone, I at one time have tried to kill myself. I was only 11 the first time, 13 and then 15. I have always had PSTD. For those who don’t know that is Post Tramatic Stress Disorder. What happened, though, that would have caused me this terrible thing? Well, here is my story.

I went to school kind of early, at 4 1/2, almost 5. I have always been kind of smart for my age, being pretty much college-level reading and literary understanding since I was 5. I’ve always been different- I am one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, so what I do may be different  from you. But that is okay. I feel the same things you do. I feel sad, happy, excited, jealous, prideful, crazy, pretty, ugly, ect. I am just like most.

When I was four, I was raped by some dirtbag my dad knew. He told me, and I remember this like it was yesterday, “You stupid little b****. Because of you, people die. Because you exist your parent’s favorite house is gonna be forclosed on. Because of you, people kill themselves. No one loves you. Your mother’s ‘god’ won’t ever save you.” I can still hear that voice… That dry… Raspy… Gross voice that smelled like a mixture of alcohol and tobacco.

I have this crazy memory where if I really, really focus I can remember things. I can remember what it felt like to ride my first coaster. To be told I was pretty by a boy for the first time. What it felt like when I was raped. I can feel that.

My entire life I remember people telling me to be independant. My parents didn’t know about what he did, and they still don’t. I’m scared to tell them. I always believed what he said… Sometimes, when I feel really low, I still do.

Then came the bullies. I have never been the prettiest. Best student. Funniest or most fun person. The nicest. But I have never once been what they said. They called me stupid. B*****. Ugly. Retarded. I have dyslexia, and it’s hindered my math a good deal. So in school I was advancing past highschool in reading, but still behind in my math. So kids would say I was stupid. I wasn’t skinny. They called me fat. I have bulimia now. Er, well, I’m working on that.

The point is, I lost hope. All hope. But there is a way to get it back. I know it seems impossible right now- All this crap happened. But right now I have a boyfriend, and we plan to get married. He is seriously the best person to come parading into my life, the best person I’ve ever gotten the pleasure of meeting. I can’t wait to be 18!!!

I guess what I’m saying is there is someone out there for everyone, everyone has someone that will love them for them, no matter what happens. If you need, I can talk to you. :3 I am here for you.

I don’t know how this website works, I am new, but if there’s a way to message others, message me and I will get back to you ASAP. (Act swiftly awesome paciderm :P)

Thank you for reading this. Caio! 🙂