I was supposed to kill myself almost 3 years ago on my 24th birthday. I wish I had.
I can’t bear the knowledge that my ex is moving on with her life and happy and doing well while I am so tortured over what transpired. Losing her love is horrible, but losing her as my best friend–that’s what just makes me wish I was dead. I’ve been optimistic about life, and doing OK sometimes and looking forward to the long vacation which I just got back from. But now I’m back and all alone and feel like I’m at square one. There are times when I’m feeling good and strong, but they are forced, temporary feelings.
There is an emptiness inside from knowing that she was the one, and that we could and should have spent the rest of our lives together–that she is the one for me–but that I will never hold her again, never get to feel her love. I would be just fine with dying right this instant. It’s been eight months since I’ve seen her. I keep getting older and years keep passing by and I keep hoping things will get better, but they don’t. I just want off this ride. It’s clear that no amount of praying will make this happen. If you want off the ride on your own timetable, you have to get off of it yourself.
I know that shit about me knowing she’s the one for me sounds stupid, but it’s what I feel. When I’m out, I can talk with and maybe flirt or make suggestive eye contact with girls, but it means nothing. When I look at a photo of her, it’s not that I think she is the most beautiful girl in the world (very attractive though, of course), it’s that she’s supposed to be mine. I can see in my mind how things should have been and should still be, what we should be doing tonight, what we should have been doing last night–the life we should be living together. This life is SHIT compared to that. Fuck, I just want a bullet in the head.