Sick in the head

So I decided to end my life once again. And once again I failed. I had the noose around my neck, I was getting tunnel vision as everything faded, bliss filling me, and I stood back up. I’m far too heavy to actually hang myself on like the ceiling fan whilst  standing on a chair and kicking it away, so I go for partial suspension which is all it really takes. I tie my bathrobe into a noose and tie it in my closet, slip my head through, tighten it and kneel.  I don’t know why I do it, but each time I get back up right as I begin to fade. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t bind my hands or if I’m just a coward and panic, chickening out. I just don’t want to feel this hurt anymore. I could go by gun, blade, or pills, but honestly I don’t want to because I’m a wimp when it comes to pain and I don’t want to leave a huge mess behind. At least with hanging all I have to do is wear a diaper so there’s not as much of a mess. If anyone has any advice as to what I’m doing wrong please tell me. And don’t try to comfort me saying “It will be ok, things get better” or any of that crap. I’ve been like this for 6 years. I’ve been sick in the head for too many years for words to help heal the depression that’s ravaged my tormented mind.