Its been a moment and since i didnt go to group tonight i figured i would talk here.A couple weeks ago i learned i would be getting a new therapist.I learned i would no longer be with the program ive been with.Now id been depressed before this over my lack of future and because ive been in pain and the doctors cant figure whats wrong with me.Well they kind of think they have but my pain continues.And it bugs.
I bought a bunch of sleeping pills to end my life the day after Christmas.The problem is i dont feel like doing it much anymore. Things are still bad and im not happy but im not sad either. Ive had some good things going on but im now more numb because of my medicine.The medicine sucks out the joy the sadness so that theres not much.
The problem is ive planned this all out. my overdose.Sleeping pills almost killed me last time i did this. Im less afraid now.And i dont want to do this.I dont want to die but im to deep into this shit now to turn back.This has always got me in trouble my stubborness and i know this time i will get in trouble again.It will be unfortunate if i die.But i cant turn back.I have loads of pills.And its a really big temptation.I want to do it however away from home.Ive got two three year old cousins who are innocent and dont need something they cant comprehend in there tiny heads.Something such as death.I have a mother whose loves me.Id do a lot to spare her pain of losing me or seeing me sick either way. Ive got a family id spare if i could. But i cant stop. Everytime the future pops in my head im afraid cause it contains nothing but loss and nigtmares come true.I got to go.I dont want to but i got
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3 comments
passionfruit3,
ok i understand you completely, the numbness! samething here i’m cutting back 50% on the dose to see if it helps and so far it has with a little give and take. i’m not trying to talk you out of it but i don’t feel your reason is good enough right now or for me for that matter i say make adjustments in the meds and in your life just little ones to help.
Adjusting meds wont help. If i do this or even if i dont. I always have to worry about the next time. And as i said in my post i got a whole bottle of sleeping pills tucked away.That i know myself well enough that i wont be able to resist taking them.I cant even remember how many times ive been in the hospital for crap like this. Thats why everything in my house is on lockdown. Cause i cant be trusted.
For me suicide is more of an addiction.I cant stop. It started at fourteen and has gotten progressively worse since then.I sneak and buy pills. I drink whatever poisonous subtance i can.Ive even starved myself a couple of times. And theres really no consuquences. At home if i overdose unless im passed out my parents dont take me to the hospital. And at the hospital. Im treated then sent home just so i can do it again. People care about me but they dont know how to deal with my behavior. Ive overdosed even at my therapist office and rarely have actions been taken.I do stupid stuff cause it feels like no gives a crap unless im truely damaged from my suicide attempts. I have many reasons for doing the stuff i do but nobody cares about that its all about keeping me alive and miserable
Do what rocketman said. Then if that doesn’t help you, use some more solid method than the “Celebrity Special”.
“I got to go.I dont want to but i got”
Many of “us” probably feel the same.