I don’t really care what people look like. Ugly people have every right to happiness and success as the beautiful, but I don’t feel that way about myself. I have not been able to look in mirrors since 2002. I’m so fat and ugly and I want  to die. I will never be able to accomplish anything good in my life and I will only get uglier as I get older. But how do I do it? I need it to be painless and it must be successful.
I have always felt ugly since at least 8 years old. I remember getting in trouble at school at 8 or 9 for throwing away my lunch every day because I was trying to lose weight. In the past 15 months I have tried especially hard to lose weight, to get nicer clothes, a good haircut, to be more fashionable, to have better posture, to whiten my teeth and smile more… I actually succeeded in losing a lot of weight (I don’t use scales so I don’t know what my weight actually is, but I’ve gone from 38″ waist to 32″). Even so I’m still too fat and I just look awful.
I saw a counsellor and after some sessions he suggested I had BDD. With this knowledge I started a bout of promiscuity to test my attractiveness. If people, strangers, were willing to have sex with me, then I can’t be so ugly. Especially if those people are attractive. In all honesty, I’ve had a lot more offers of sex than rejections. So I should feel good… Then I get the confidence to look in the mirror, cos someone’s flirted with me, eyed me up in the street, or cos my clothes feel a bit looser that day. Â But when I look I am filled with rage and I need to start hitting myself, scratching or cutting myself…
It’s never gonna be ok. I can keep trying to lose weight but it’s never good enough. People say I just don’t see myself correctly, but I know what I see. And it’s important that I look good, especially cos I’m a musician with a big repetoire of good new songs that I need to perform, but everyone will laugh at me. I can’t sing a love song while the audience all imagines how ridiculous it is that anyone could ever love someone as ugly as me. And if I don’t perform these songs, I’m worthless.
I’m tired of feeling this way day after day after day. So how can I die successfully? And are there others who need to die for their lack of beauty?
3 comments
Musician huh…me too.
And I couldn’t agree with you more about having to look good and all that. The whole point of being on stage is to be the different out of all the crowd, to be able to do things that they can’t do. Looking the part is also part of it.
But, here’s something relevant:
It is quite simple really. BEING always transcends appearance – that which only seems to be. Once you begin to know the being behind the very pretty or very ugly face, as determined by your bias, the surface appearances fade away until they simply no longer matter.
– William. P. Young (The Shack)
Once you start showing people who you are underneath the face, beneath the clothing, under the skin, and if that person is of pure-heart and kindness, people WILL start to disregard what you look like on the outside. For outside beauty fades, no matter what. Inside beauty is forever, even after death.
Trust me, I’m so ugly that I’ve had people tell me “I can’t ever imagine you with a girlfriend.” – like in my face just like that. It hurts, but I live with it. I’m a 36, ugly as ugly can be without being deformed, fat, unfit – the whole package. I don’t think my life is that great either, but I don’t always feel the need to look better. Cuz people who are physically much better than me are uglier on the inside, and THAT’S what counts.
Maybe you should stop concentrating on what you look like on the outside, and start looking internally. Find yourself, who you really are, and if you don’t like THAT person, change him. Into someone so nice that people will look at his inner beauty without bias from the outer beauty
Don’t think like that.
You don’t have to end your life. Just change the way you live it. You already mentioned that you have changed it. Change takes time. Maybe start going to the gym, work out, ride a bike, jog? Physical activity will help you get into better shape and will also make you feel better about youself. Just try. And be consistent.
I know it’s cliche’ but beauty really is only skin deep . Keep doing what your doing.