I don’t know if this website is for this type of comment but I’m going to post it anyway just to empty my head. I have seriously been pondering suicide for the past few weeks (again) and have gotten down to a few ways to do so. My dilemma is my precious dog, who is my companion and that I love more than anything. He is so very dependent on me that he will not leave my side for any reason. My problem is what will become of him if I leave this ugly world? I don’t know anyone who would give him the love and companionship that I have. I have even thought of taking him with me but this brings me to tears. Can I really do this to him? I am very very tired of the way my life is and really have no interest or joy in anything, except my dog. I know I need to gain more courage for myself but think I have found two ways that I could just go to sleep. Of course both ways would automatically be seen as a suicide but at least I could just go to sleep and never ever wake up. It would also be painless. But can I do this to my precious dog? Would that be wrong of me? This thought actually keeps me awake at night and when I think of what I want to do to him I start crying and my heart hurts. In fact I may have already done this to myself if not for him. I don’t think I believe in Hell or Heaven for that matter, but I know there is “someplace else” for lack of a better word. Would he be with me there? My family is really a joke in the support category. They do not understand a cancer diagnosis, even though I am on my way to a full remission. They are not very smart at all. And have no idea about the emotional impact of anything.
Everyone says you need to talk to someone about this, but in reality, no one really wants to physically do anything to help anyone in my position. They don’t want to be inconvenienced. Afterall, I am 63 years old and I have had a pretty good life until 5 years ago when I got my diagnosis. I have already lost everything that I worked my whole life for. Just have a few possessions in storage, a car that is falling apart, a room at my Mom’s and my dog, along with a small disability check. My credit has suffered so badly due to lack of income and employment that I can’t even get a car loan without a co-signer and of course, my mother refuses. My point is the only thing I have to look forward to is more misery and I don’t want it. I need a miracle that will never come.
3 comments
Continue your life until the end. At least there is one reason to stay alive, one thing to stay with you.
I just signed up (finally) after seeing this, because i could relate… despite being half your age (assuming ’63’ wasn’t a typo). I’m in the same boat as “my dog is the only reason i’m still here…” but i would say i’m closer to the earlier/beginning part of your story.
In fact, i have literally used the exact same phrase as your last sentence, in my own life. That was when i still referred to amazing and phenomenal events as “miracles.” Xian terminology lingers, despite my “awakening.” We use certain words and “memes” our whole lives, and they become part of us. The interesting part is that the parts of us that get repeated most, become part of everything else too.
Like depression. Someone who is constantly assaulted by the most depressing events, will most likely involuntarily “give back” what the world inflicted upon us, even while we’re aware of this possibility and trying to avoid it.
I honestly don’t have any good advice, and i would generally caution anyone about advice. The internet seems to be flooded with unqualified people slinging bad advice at each other, as if they think it’s “just that simple” as deciding to have a better outlook, or “just change” how you naturally feel about anything.
The best advice i can give is this: do anything… and do it for your dog. Think of what your dog would do for you, if s/he were able to do more than dogs can do.
I don’t know why you posted here either but Please Google Chance’s Spot. We have a support group on Thursday nights that you might like to attend. Don’t worry that your situation is not like most – the group is very small, and it won’t matter. We’ll listen.
If you can’t do that, just let me.say that I have 2 dogs and have been worried about them, too. I have been wanting to hang myself and am struggling with leaving them. I have thought about killing them, too, but I can’t do that, either. I think they would be cared for because of the line of work I am in (animal-related) so it’s not so much that as it is simply not being here with them.
I’m sorry that you have cancer. I understand about being reduced to living with your Mother and having nothing because of medical bills. It shouldn’t be like that – no one should have to spend their life savings to save their life and then be left with nothing but their life.
No one can tell you what to do but I hope you’ll think a while before leaving and / or taking your dog with you, should you decide to go. Hugs.