I’ve found the holy grail of suicide methods, as it is apparently called. Painless, quick, easy. Only hard part is of course that you can’t get hold of it anywhere in the developed world. But now I know where to get it and I’m going there in a month. I just don’t know if I can go through with it. I imagine how devastated my mother would be and it makes it extremely difficult.
I’ve thought about what I would leave in a message to her and I think it would be like this: She always said she wanted the best for me and the truth, the absolute truth, is that this is the best for me. I have always wanted to be dead. I am better off dead. I want this. It’s not a sudden reaction. It’s a long, considered decision.
Unfortunately no matter what I say, instinctively it’s going to be hell for her. I realized last night that in some ways I’d be passing my pain onto her by committing suicide.
I might still do it anyway.
9 comments
Hadidhjf, would you find it offensive if I asked what your holy grail is? I’m in a similar predicament, except I’ve no relatives (or friends) to worry about affecting. As you wrote, I, too, know “that this is the best for me.” If you return to your post, read this comment, and are willing to share, I’d be deeply grateful.
Your post is poignant. Whatever decision you make, I wish you peace.
Hi NothingAmI,
No, not offensive at all. However, and I know this sounds crazy, I’m scared of somehow telling someone something that they then go on to use and it gets me into trouble. Another thing that worries me is that if too much information is made public about it, the place where you can get the holy grail will make it harder to get. This will happen eventually anyway, but I don’t want to speed up the process.
If you look hard enough you will certainly find it. Apparently the peacefull pill handbook has a lot of information.
If we’re thinking of the same method in the Peaceful Pill Handbook, isn’t it something you make in your kitchen using common ingredients? I haven’t read the handbook but I thought it made use of alcohol & nicotine, two things that will never be banned as history shows us.
No, it’s not that..
Please, if you’re talking about ********, don’t take. You must know there won’t be any holy grail or perfect suicide method. Each method has risks, is hard to do and is always painful. So don’t get false hope, hun… I really wish you the best. Keep fighting!
Engeltje,
It is used in Dignitas, with 100% efficacy.
Out of 840 cases, not a single failure. Everyone died.
In another study, 88% died within 60 minutes. 99.6% within 12 hours.
Look up the statistics yourself if you don’t believe me. (Obviously the correct dose has to be taken and with other drugs e.g. anti-emetics). It is also used in lethal injections. And there are endless cases of it being used in self-administered suicides. Marilyn Monroe. Jimi Hendrix. Joe Bloggs the world over.
Do you even know how it works? It shuts down neural pathways in your brain. This isn’t some Nytol trash, this is seriously powerful. Without brain function you do not feel anything. Just like a general anaesthetic.
I’m tired of people who don’t have a clue saying ******** isn’t what it’s supposed to be. It is. And yes, there are painless methods. I’ve had a general anaesthetic. Guess what. It didn’t hurt and I didn’t know ANYTHING about it till I woke up. If they’d pumped up the dose… good bye.
Look up all the suicide clinics in the world. Read the statistics. Once you’ve done that I’ll listen to your opinion. At the moment your comment smacks of the typical scare tactics used by those who want to try and stop a person killing themselves by playing on that person’s doubts. How about giving me a real reason not to kill myself instead of trying to scare me out of it?
Ever wondered why it’s not available in our countries anymore?
All the above information is readily available on the internet.
Sadly I won’t be able to go where the shit is at, so I’m gunna do an old fashion HEROIN OD, drowning, bomb inside me and explode myself(I have access to bombs weird I know), helium, etc (:
No ways, RHS – i hope not :'(
I won’t for now, I’m still waiting for things to change. And my meds to stop effing with my real mood and emotions