lost it (10 days of not wanting to die)

• disclaimer:  I’m not saying ‘do this and you’ll feel better’, if I know anything, it’s that the road away from suicide is undoubtedly the toughest I have travelled, and I just wanted to share what that felt like, and after it happened it was followed by a new outlook on what my possibilities are.  But nevertheless even while I no longer want to slit every artery I can find, it’s still near impossible to beat the depression, every day.

I just lost it today.  I had been doing so well.

I fell back into my depression probably August and the suicidal thoughts began in October.  I came really close in October and a few times in November although I had a few days that weren’t so bad and I wouldn’t say I felt positive but I felt like I didn’t want to die.  School ended on the 15th and I felt like that was just it.  I know what pain feels like now.

But then the next day I had a talking therapy session.  I wouldn’t say it really cured me or anything but I let a lot out – as soon as she asked me the first question I just burst into tears, but it felt good to have someone who’ll listen and wants me to get better (even only cause I ay her £60 each time).  I still felt bad afterwards but I decided to do something active about my situation, because that 1% of me that didn’t want to die knew that if I just vegetated at home the whole holiday I would never make it to New Year.  So I started trying to clear out the house (my mum hoards, google it, it’s not absolute worst case hoarding but there is NO space and everything is dirty because you can’t clean it and my mum never wants to – it’s so depressing you could never imagine and I am NOT saying that was on my reasons for being depressed – I have loads of other reasons )- but I thought doing something, anything to occupy myself might help, and there was sure as hell no way I was going to do my homework.  I’m too ashamed of my house to have anyone over and I think that contributes to how socially inept I am and it really doesn’t help you hold onto a boyfriend for long.  I just wanted to have  a clear living room for Christmas.

I didn’t manage it, there wasn’t enough time given the TONNES of shit that we have, and with my parents mutually abusing each other(verbally/emotionally, he’s gotten violent a couple of times so I always get scared but he didn’t this time), the non-stop arguing and my mum being ill, I couldn’t take it. Christmas day was pretty bad, though not as bad as how I felt just before I saw the shrink. My mum actually came to my room to comfort me and she held me and she said she was sorry.  That made me feel guilty cause it’s not her fault at all, it’s just me being a failure unable to cope with the situation, and she doesn’t deserve to be put through me threatening suicide on top of everything else.

Somehow I waded through boxing day and seeing family the day after but I started feeling better.  I really wanted to get better.  I felt guilty about what I’ve done to my mum.  That 1% had grown to about 20%.  I don’t know if it was the resting which may have eased my anxiety and the IBS (really painful stress-related digestive problems), and being away from school and all the bitches there or what (I’m 18 so if I make it to October, I potentially walk into a better life).  I did more clearing and that’s when I found a self-help book on ‘business management development’ sounds far-fetched but the first bit was about mental attitude.  It had a lot in it about thinking about what your ideal life situation would be, fantasising about that ideal life, imagining what it would feel like to have that life.  It said about making goals to get to that life and thinking about your goals and how you can achieve them first thing every morning.  I want to be more expressive, less closed-in, and a few days ago I even tried telling my friends that I have problems and hinted at being suicidal – they didn’t get it at all, no one does, but at least it’s a start.

In terms of personal development, I feel like it was like I had to go to the very bottom to get better.  Maybe now that I understand depression, anxiety, self-harm, being suicidal and a lot of other non-mental health issues I can empathise more with others,  maybe I’ll have a better idea how to comfort someone.

I still can’t forgive myself for not managing to make it work with my ex-boyfriend and I sooo regret not understanding self-harm when he was going through that, and not knowing what was the right thing to have said to him. But there is one positive thought – I might know what to say to someone in my future if they’re unfortunate enough to be going through the same thing.  When I look at the reasons that I had for believing that I had no place on this earth – mainly things that I hated about how I treat others and my personality.  So what I can take from this is to turn it into a positive future – become the friendly confident, trusting person I’ve always wanted to be, do it with attitude change.

In November on one of those weird days when I didn’t feel so bad, I found courage and asked my ex-boyfriend (who otherwise refuses to speak to me 🙁 ) why he dumped me (he dumped me in June, that’s how much of a coward I am and how long it took).  The answer wasn’t easy to receive.  I was “too angry, short-tempered, had no sense of humour, had hurt him by not wanting to tell my friends about us, he thought I was immature”.  I cried all week after getting my answer.  Partly out of hurt and pain, but mainly out of guilt and regret.  How could I have been so stupid and cowardly to just be defensive and angry, just like my mum is, instead of being brave and actually telling him how I felt.

In some ways, like everyone, he was  a douchebag, but in terms of what he is and what he stands for, what he believes in, what he wants his future to look like, I know I’ll never find anyone so fantastic and I’m still heartbroken, I miss him every day.  I don’t know when I’ll be able to forgive myself for not telling him how much he meant to me and for just letting him dump me instead of trying to persuade him to give me a chance.  And I sooo regret that it ended up with us being enemies and not talking, that’s so childish, I know he’s partly to blame but I feel so rotten for letting it get to that, plus I miss him as a friend possibly even more than as a lover (we’d been friends for years, and I don’t know anyone else who’d believe me who knows what it feels like to be depressed – the only person I know who I could really tell this to 🙁 I wish I could talk to him.)

But what I can take from that list of my failures he gave me is goals.  So one of my goals is not to get so angry for no reason.

I’m writing this because I got angry today.  It was so stupid. I’m so ashamed.  I hadn’t cried for ages either, I’d been feeling positive (or at least trying my ABSOLUTE nut). But then this evening the depression just hit me like a tsunami wave and inexplicably I just refused to eat with my parents, couldn’t take their cold putrid silence and hateful brooding, I started my exercise machine but then broke down.  Everything came flooding back about how I felt two weeks ago and what being suicidal means.  I felt so down and alone and like it was never going to get better.

I feel almost ok now, and I had my dinner eventually (I’m cutting out ALL caffeine and cutting down white sugar (I read it can accelerate depression because sugar causes mood swings and caffeine causes insomnia (which has been awful lately)  and it also means you don’t take up B vitamins from the gut as well as for some reason caffeine-drinnks like tea and coffee and coke reduce water uptake and B vitamins are put in the gut dissolved in the water)) and I took my omega oils (again meant to help with depression because of something to do with brain function.  It also said put emphasis on dairy, salmon and turkey, fish and poultry in general as well as fruit, brown rice, lentils, soya beans.

I’m not a doctor but many testify to that working, and it doesn’t have bad side-effects so omega oils are what I’m trying.

I’m gonna pursue the diet and goals, hopefully it’ll work, I’ll keep updating in either case if someone is interested in something to help.

I appreciate that feeling suicidal is a pretty final feeling, so I don’t mean to insult you with advice, but for when that 1% of you that put you on this site kicks in: encourage the 1%, don’t stop reminding yourselves that it’s not your fault you’re depressed, you may have thousands of very good reasons why you don’t deserve to live but those reasons just trigger the depression, they don’t cause it.  It’s an imbalance in your brain, one of the cruellest 🙁  It seems impossible to believe I know, but it may help.

I hope you all get to feel a little love sometime soon <3