Need to get something off my chest

Hi… I really need to get something off my chest, so I’m posting it here and I hope no one will mind. This is going to be kind of a long ramble. So, I’m 21 years old. I have no friends, and I have never had friends. My mother is overbearing, my father a drunk. I’m awkward around people, which is probably because I’ve only spoken to a few people in my entire life. (I’m on the extreme end of the social anxiety spectrum and I’ve always found it difficult to talk to people I don’t know.) People give me strange looks whenever I walk by, which is why I dislike going out into public. I am a retard, a loser, a *****, ugly, unfriendly, depressing, cynical, just an overall disgusting person. I see all the people around me, happy, bubbly girls and smiling, easygoing guys and I see their lives play out in front of them, friends and families and careers, grandchildren growing up to be teenagers, adults, parents, and then grandparents, I see love and loss and laughter and sorrow. I see myself standing outside of all this, because I don’t belong to society, this society or any other, and I probably, realistically never will. I see it all happening in front of me, as sure as 20 wasted years have passed since I was born. I’ve been depressed on and off and thinking about suicide since I was 12 years old, even though I didn’t think I’d ever do it then. It was just something to consider. I never cut myself either (I was a chicken – I didn’t have the guts to slice up my own body!)

But now, with college and everything, it’s a nightmare. I see that my inability to interact with people will never land me a decent-paying job; at this point I will be stuck with my parents and live off of them like a mentally/emotionally stunted parasite and listen to them screaming and fighting with each other every day until they pass away. I’d be lucky to land a job at McDonald’s and lucky to get a place of my own. Going outside and speaking is a chore, yet staying at home and listening to all that #*&*(JL is just as tedious. I tend to daydream a lot, a habit I never really dropped as a child. I think of what could have been and the horror at how I’ve lived my life thus far hits me like ice, it feels like I’ve amputated my limb or something. The life I could have had is and the person I could have been is irrevocably and completely gone.

I read everywhere, online, in books, in the newspaper, I hear everywhere, on the television, in the street, about people going out with their friends that night and having fun or dealing with “drama,” and it makes me feel hollow and sad inside, but I now understand that something very fundamental and very important is missing from my life. I wish I was one of those people who didn’t care about not having any friends b/c something is off with their brain chemistry or maybe they’re just built like that, but I am not one of those people. I am emotionally still a 12-year-old child, lonely and friendless, with the bitterness of an oft-humiliated 21-year-old social reject.

I am perpetually depressed, unmotivated, and I fantasize every day about throwing myself off the Golden Gate Bridge. (I considered other methods, but I think I’d like a fast death.) I would climb up the railing as fast as I could, in case there were guards or something, and fall backwards, looking up at the sky as the last few seconds of my life ticked by. And then there would be nothing. I used to be afraid of death as a child. I wanted to live forever and see how the world had changed, if global warming really did become a big issue and if the world went more green and stuff like that. I didn’t want my consciousness, my mind, the thing that was me to simply leave the world and never be able to witness what it had to offer.

But now I realize that life isn’t meant to be lived this way, without love and happiness. It’s not exactly a short drive to the bridge (I live in the midwest), but an eight-hour car drive or bus pass looks more appealing with every day that passes. I just hope that one day I can muster up the guts to do this, because I don’t want to be 60 years old and realize what a crappy life I had, and wish I had changed this or that. I just want to sever the doubt and regret as they stand and never look back.

All these thoughts have been floating around in my head for quite a while, and I just wanted to get this down somewhere. I know I probably sound extremely ungrateful and whiny (the factory workers who made the laptop I’m typing on right now probably have more serious issues, like fair wage compensation and debilitating physical health) but I’m not really cut out for this world. There is no single thing in this world from which I can derive happiness, except for perhaps the fleeting feeling of joy I get from watching my favorite television show. And that’s just pathetic. I just wanted to post this… yeah…haha. Take care all.