I’m a girl, a teen, and I’ve been considering suicide for the last 5 months. I live with my mother, only child, never met my father. I wouldn’t say we’re poor, but we don’t have things like typical families have, car, house, etc. We live in a apartment with 1 bedroom and living room, kitchen and bathroom. I have about 7 different things I can wear. I don’t own anything special.
Ever since I was 6 years old I’ve been very smart, and I’ve been praised for it. My mother got together with a man when I was 5, so we moved somewhere so that we could live with him. But he was awful. At first he was nice and caring, but he came to be the worst thing ever. I couldn’t visit any friends, go anywhere or even watch tv. I sat at home and read books. Every time I did something wrong, he beat me up, even though it’s not allowed to hit children in our country. Eventually, they broke up and we moved to a different place about 15 minutes away from there. We had one room. At school, children were teasing me because I was very tall and I was a bit different. My best friend Amira (I don’t live in an arabic country it’s just a very immigrant friendly country), or well, “best friend”, was always being mean to me when others were too. I was a year younger than everyone in school, so it was annoying when they called me a kid just because I was younger. I had a crush on a boy (I think I was 9) and my so called friends told everyone. When I yelled at Amira for telling people she kicked me in the stomach  which caused me to despise her. We moved again, to the place I’m at now. I changed schools of course, and when I was introduced to my class I didn’t really like them. I got friendly with a girl that had her best friend leave for London (for a random reason) and we’re still best friends. I never got more friends. There’s nobody you can trust. Now, my mom got another boyfriend named Wouter(he’s dutch) and he moved in with us. And to be honest, he was amazing, even though he could be very mean to me sometimes. And after 3 years, he couldn’t take it because of my behaviors, and left my mom. I couldn’t  help but feel like it was my fault. While all of this was happening, my grandmother had to go in surgery, I fell in a deep depression that I haven’t told anyone about yet, and I got bad at studies. I started to understand less and less math, biology, physics, languages and the only things I am very good at at school are english and swedish. I got a large belly and I always sit at home. Every day after school I am just home. Here’s the thing: at my school, everyone and I really mean everyone calls me an ostrich. And it’s so irritating! I am so scared because it’s difficult for me to study, and now my mom has a new boyfriend, so all my problems and worries stack up. A week ago I took a lot of fever pills on purpose and dozed off completely for 8 hours, which was right before my mother came home. I am getting addicted to doing this. I stay up all night every day, and take different pills (doesn’t matter which) and just swallow them. Monday, I puked and just felt like crap. I stayed at school anyway. everyone hates me and i hate myself. its 1 am while i write this. my mom is angry with me because i never help around at home and i just want to die. I am planning on starting cutting. i want to kill myself so badly, because i have only my best friend which she isn’t really, but she is my only friend, i dont have any family here except for my mom, and studies are so difficult. why cant i just die? this is probably not a very “sad” story for you, and i bet many will just say/think thats not a reason to die but my depression has been going on since i was eleven and i cant help but feel like i am suppose to die for real. i dont believe in god, im a buddhist and vegetarian. i try so hard to have strength but i fail.
quick note: people at my school often tell me “why dont you go and die we dont care anyway you ostrich” 🙁
2 comments
I remember that I used to be singled out and bullied around for no good reasons. Because I did not have friends who truly understood me, I was on the brink of being a depressed first grade student (yeah, it was elementary). The last straw was when my first grade teacher punished me by spanking me with bamboo stick. As part of the process, the teacher injured my eye, and told the entire group of kids in her class never be friends with me. My mom took me to the hospital, and got the teacher fired via the school board. Now, my dad told me one thing that helped me make through a large part of my life. He said that “it is okay to not have friends. you can be your best friend and compete internally within yourself to excel in anything you want. don’t worry about what others say, because 10 years from now, they are irrelevant”. He was right, years later, these bullies are no where near where I am today. I am, by no means successful in life, because I still have depression, but I went to places that no bullies of mine could ever dream of going.
So, my advice is, stay true to yourself. Ignore the immaturaties around you, because deep inside, you may find that you don’t need any friends to excel in life. (well, at some point, when people around you become more mature, we can talk about making more friends).
“I fell in a deep depression that I haven’t told anyone about yet, and I got bad at studies. I started to understand less and less math, biology, physics, languages and the only things I am very good at at school are english and swedish. I got a large belly and I always sit at home. Every day after school I am just home.”
Sounds like insulin resistance.