My dad told me in the car the other day that I was going to hell.
I ate at a Chinese buffet and got a fortune cookie that said, “accept yourself.” I thought if I have already, then I’m a worthless piece of shit that no one wants. I’m invisible to most, but those who see me are disgusted and try to get rid of me, one permanently. They really shouldn’t waste their time, I’ll do it myself eventually. So, they just leave. If I haven’t accepted myself, I’m sure when I do I’ll kill myself realizing I’m worse than I think.
I can’t do this for four more years! I’m cutting and burning more and more. I want to die so fucking bad everyday! My stomach acid is up again (I physically can’t eat if I want to when its like this), but I’m done taking medicine! I think I’d rather starve.
I just don’t know what to do. In a nutshell, everyone wants me to die and they’ve convinced me I should. I don’t know why I’m still here, I don’t know what I want. No, I want to die, that’s my only feeling. Why am I still here, why am I wasting your time. I’m sorry if you read this I’m just a FUCKING USELESS ASSHOLE THAT NO ONE WANTS!!!
I want to die. I guess I’m afraid I’ll mess up again. I’ll get over it soon though.
10 comments
no, the people that make you feel useless are assholes. You can change your world and others’ worlds, Just be born again to a new set of goals, help the needy, and they will definetly in tur n help you, because we need each other, you can do this alright, my email is morenomari1@yahoo.com, I really need to talk to you and for you to talk to me. I want to die too yes, but we have to hold to that string of hope that will make our worlds and theirs better
I don’t want you to die.
Alright, sorry I wasn’t here earlier, I had to sleep for a few hours, I was really exhausted, shaking everywhere. Anyways, I’m here now, even though you are probably asleep.
Listen up, you are not going to hell! I think by now you have realized that you can’t let what you father says affect you so much. Just don’t pay attention. Think of a really stupid answer in your head and laugh inside. Think about pink elephants with hipster glasses when he is saying something and just laugh. Don’t let him destroy you.
“Accept yourself” – this is more important than what you can think – it is to start loving yourself for who you are, for the good things in you – not by pointing out every bad thing about you. No. You have good things about you, and you know it. You just choose to ignore it. So how about you get a piece a paper and each morning you write there one good thing about yourself? And soon you will have a list. But you have to write it. It has to come from you, you need to start liking yourself!
I’m gonna just give you a little help, I’ll write your first one, and then you write another one today, yes?
– You are a beautiful person. You care and are so compassionate towards others and you won’t even realize how many people you have helped. You make a difference for the best in people’s life.
Your turn now!
And I’m here you idiot. I’m not leaving. Well, I’m gonna have troubles getting on the internet (not on my email tho, I can go to it through my phone), but I will always be here! And you know that.
You are here cus you are a beautiful person who has yet to smile – and hun, believe me, you will.
About how you can’t eat.. Relax, drink some tea before eating. You know that is pretty much all stress right? Being stressed out makes your body produce that, and start acting that way. You need to breathe.
If it doesn’t get better, see your doctor again?
You have to stop cutting and burning yourself and start loving yourself. Then other people will love you too.
@kilofifi- Thank you, I’ve tried to do a little of what you said before, but should more. I added your email to my contacts and will try to email when I get a chance.
@SandraM- I wish I heard that more often. Thanks.
@hazelleyes- I’ll try to think of something funny, but it will still hurt to hear. My dad’s a bit of a success story (like trailer park to important communications related job and tons of research papers published) and his approval has always meant a lot even though he says some shitty stuff to me. I don’t blame him because he doesn’t realize how much I hate to hear things like that. I hope that makes sense.
I tend to see the bad things because that’s what most people around me see and point out and they drown out the good things I need to find about myself. I’ll try making a list, that might help.
Thanks for being here, I want to smile, I’m just not good at it, haven’t had much practice. I’ll work on that, but right now I really need to sleep. I was up a ton over the weekend because we got a day off and I stayed up. I can brush stuff off easier when I’m not this tired.
I know I’m stressed, sleeping will help. There’s been something rumor related going on at school again that’s had me on edge. I’ll explain when I’m more awake, it’s a bit long.
@Dave_N- I tried to stop and it didn’t go so well. Those are my best escapes right now. I’m going to have to start with getting rid of my knife. I take it everywhere and have actually had it taken away by security at a place before. Other people seem to love me until they get to know me, then they leave. That’s the problem, or at least what it’s been before. Now I’m too afraid to trust anyone to even talk about stuff, but there are rumors. My best friend lives 90 miles / 150km away and knows nothing of my social life at school. That’s why we’re such good friends. If everyone wasn’t so absorbed by the need to fit in and believe the stuff my ex told them and they spread and I had a clean slate to start with things would be much easier.
Email me about it then and I’ll try to check it soon, but I don’t know when I’ll have internet this week :\
You will get through this, yes?
You can’t care about rumours. You need to just ignore. Either that or have an “attack” plan to fuck up whoever started this so they won’t mess with you again.
Hey, this period won’t last forever. You will get used to smiling again 🙂
I will, it’s not too bad, just kinda complicated and bothersome enough to make it hard to relax. I’ll get through it eventually I guess. Sometimes I get sick of waiting though (ex. yesterday).
Yeah, I’m not really sure how to do that, but I’ve kind of tried and made slight progress. It’s like who do people want to believe though, who they think I am, or who they think the popular girl is. Makes it difficult.
Going to sleep now, hope you can. I’ll talk later.
Alright 🙂
Email me and I’ll try to get back to it as soon as I can.
And tomorrow start your list!