I’m Doing Fine All in All

For years I’ve been miserable. At night in high school I would lock my door at night before I went to bed. I would stay up until 3 or 4, or sometimes not go to bed at all. I’d cry and listen to music like a lot of insecure guys would like me. just made me feel worse and worse. Somewhere around 2, i’d finish my homework. And then get up at 630. High school=tiring.

College was better, but not much better. I started taking adderall since I took some and felt okay with myself for the first time of my life. Something like loving myself. But really only when I was taking it regularly. I never abused it or sold it.

I found a girlfriend. She was pretty and we got along. Then I started to disappoint myself. I broke up with her over Facebook after a year and a half of being together. I felt the need to make more mistakes before I settled down with anybody. I shrugged it off.

Then I met someone who challenged me. In every way. I was nervous all the time, but when I succeeded, if felt like happy to be me. It was real love.

Then my insecurities caught up to me. She tried to tell me to keep it together but I never could. Months and one-night stand mistakes later, I end up not talking to her. She says I need to see a therapist and feel happy about myself.

I hate who I am. I always have. I can’t see anything worth liking about myself, and I couldn’t love anyone because of it. I’m setting up appointments to see a therapist soon, but I hope no one ever hands me a gun and leaves me in an empty room. The temptation would be too great.

Enough about me. What’s your story?