Hello to anyone who is reading this. I am confused and I feel so alone, even surrounded by loved ones and co-workers. I am a well-educated 24 year old female. I have a science degree and took too many psychology courses to count, but somehow I still can’t seem to get my head sorted out. I’ve never really suffered from depression or suicidal thoughts until a few months ago and lately it’s all I can seem to think about. I’ve lost interest in all my formerly beloved hobbies and I have lost my appetite. I find it so hard to pay attention in grad school even though last semester my average was 96%. I just lost the drive to live. I don’t care anymore. About anything. I am irritable and sad on a constant basis and try my hardest to hide it. If you asked anyone in my life; family, friends, acquaintances etc. they would all say what a happy, bright girl I am, always willing to help. I have lived my whole life trying to make other people happy, trying to make everyone proud of me. I’ve spent 24 long years painting the illusion of a perfect girl, someone I wanted to be, but I feel empty inside. No-one knows who I really am and that is so exhausting. Trying to put on a smile and hide how sad you are is insanely difficult. I’ve thought about how I would end it all. It’s just that I feel hopeless. People tell me I’m beautiful but I hate the way I look. People say I have such a bright future ahead of me; I don’t want a future. No amount of degrees or six figure job is going to make this life worth living. My boyfriend makes me feel horrible about myself. I don’t remember the last time I left his apartment not in tears. He says he’s just teasing me but he points out every single flaw I have. It’s to the point now where I absolutely despise how I look and am constantly worried about how other people perceive me. I try so hard to make him happy. I cook and clean for him, give him long massages and lots of sex (sorry if that’s TMI), I watch lame sports games and I make him laugh almost constantly. I don’t get why he can’t just be nice to me, I try to be so perfect for him. I can’t ask my family doctor about depression or potential medication- she looks at me with judgey eyes and I have anxiety every time I have to deal with her. I haven’t told a single person that I’ve been having these thoughts, I know they would roll their eyes and tell me I have a perfect life. But noone understands that I don’t want this life. It’s too much pressure. I want to escape. I need out of here. Out of this life. Out of this body.
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5 comments
On the one hand, it sounds like your trying to hard.
Don’t “constantly try to make him laugh.” that can get annoying after a while.
People can tell the difference between a genuine funny comment and when your just fishing for laughs. It’s not becoming.
Boyfriends tend to do these things to their girlfriends. That doesn’t make it right.
I know a guy who drove his GF crazy, and gave her body image issues exactly like you. You have to speak up and tell him when he’s crossed the line.
Lastly, don’t try to be perfect. The true masters are not perfect, because they realize perfection can not be attained. Just be yourself, that is enough. Fuck what they think. If yourself is not good enough for him, well….you can decide whether to stay or not.
Remember. Be Genuine, Be Yourself. If you don’t mean it, don’t say it.
Isn’t grad school torturous enough, without also needing to entertain some snotty boyfriend? After you get your degree you’ll need to move for work: what then, a “long distance relationship?” There are so many people on here (already) who claim their douche-packing significant other is gradually killing them inch by inch.. If i were a chick then I’d just get a vibrator. Everyone has their head jammed so deeply up their asses these days, there is 0% we’ll be happy with our own lives; much less bringing some other flaming idiot along with. But they say “misery loves company,” and I digress. Welcome aboard, you’ll fit right in.
Hey, didn’t you study anti-depressants in your psychology class? You likely have a chemical imbalance. I’ve was where you are 40 years ago. Dump the boyfriend. He’s mean. Go to a new doctor, perhaps a therapist. You have all the signs of clinical depression.
No one believed me either. I was 23 when I tried and failed to kill myself. I was pretty but sure didn’t think so. I didn’t care about anything but sleeping forever.
It’s still a battle, but at least there are medications now for people like us.
And yes, you need to find out who YOU are, what rings your chimes. And it may be a simple as cuddling with a cat or watching a glorious sunset, or listening to Chopin. Something that reaches your heart. We live in a very plastic world. Fine your soft place and enjoy it.
I sure do care and wish you all the best.
Once again, dump the guy. I’ve been in those relationships over and over. I wish I’d dumped them.
Does your boyfriend know how bad he makes you feel with what he says? If not, you need to tell him. He needs to know its not friendly ‘teasing’ if its making you cry. Does he make you happy at all? You’re trying to hard for him. It sounds to me that either he needs to try harder to make YOU happy or he’s just not worth it.
I can relate with dealing with school as I’m dealing with starting medschool at the moment. I’ve lost all interest in things and its made it everything terrible. People have high expectations, but you need to take a deep breath and think about what will make you happy.
Maybe take a vacation, give yourself a chance to relax. Or maybe you’ll meet someone who will actually TRY to make you happy.
I know its seemingly impossible to talk to close friends and family about these things, I sure as hell will never do that. But at least, Its good to let it out here. We’re here to listen.
You have to love yourself and have more respect for yourself. It sounds like your boyfriend is taking you for granted due to your self-esteem issues. Focus on finishing your graduate program and getting your degree. Then you can figure out where to go from there.